Jokes

[Midfielder]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*& now!"

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

 

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

 

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

 

Moral of this story...

 

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

Bull Sh&* and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Midfielder

[wilsonpastore]

i cbf reading, might get to it some time later

[matty]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*& now!"

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

 

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

 

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

 

Moral of this story...

 

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

Bull Sh&* and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

good morale more than hilarious, although i have a mate that can turn the worst joke funny, its all in the delivery

[Benched]

Johnny is at school and has his eye on this particular girl. He plucks up the courage to ask her out.

 

"Hi, I'm Johnny"

 

"Hi, I'm Franny" she replies.

 

"Franny?" Johnny say's.

 

"Yeah, Franny, as in fanny with an R"

 

"Well would you like to come and get a milkshake after school....Franny?" Johnny ask's.

 

"Would I, that'd be great. But my parents are really strict and I don't know if I'd be allowed. Come to my house after school and ask my parents. Make sure your on your best behaviour." say's Franny.

 

"I just hope I don't forget your name. So Franny, fanny with an R"

 

All the way home, little Johnny is saying over and over in his head....

"Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R"

 

He finally gets to Franny's house and knocks on the door.

 

The door opens, and Franny's father, all stern looking, is standing there.

 

Johnny say's...

"G'day, is crunt home"

[Midfielder]

Sky News report a dust cloud has closed UK airports.

Police have arrested the Arsenal trophy cabinet cleaner in connection with the incident.

[matty]

[DiscoD]

Little Johnny's in the shower with mum (he's only a little tike at this stage of his lengthy joke career) & looks up & gasps, 'Holy crap, mum, what's that big split at the top of your legs?"

 

Mum, obviously not wanting to educate innocent Little Johnny too much too early, pipes up, "That's where God hit mummy with an axe, Johnny!"

 

Quick as a flash & eyes lit up Little Johnny fires back, "What a great shot! Right in the crunt!"

[Midfielder]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

I was at a ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

[matty]

There's many a dad joke in there ^^^

 

Most made me smile though, I must be getting old

[DiscoD]

Did you hear about the man found dead in the bac of the ice cream van covered in chocolate sauce & nuts? He topped himself.

[NorWester]

Roy Keane's skills as a manager. . . . . ?

[Midfielder]

What do you do if you see a wounded SFC fan walking towards you?

Stop laughing, reload, and shoot again!

Edited July 9, 2012 by Midfielder

[DiscoD]

Hehehehehehe... that was a chuckler! : )

[julyaugustreno]

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce, the judge says to Mickey 'I'm sorry Mickey, but your claims that Minnie is crazy are not good enough grounds for me to grant the divorce'.

 

Mickey replies 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fu.cking goofy'

[eZZa]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

 

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[abbadabba]

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

 

 

 

 

A buccaneer

[Midfielder]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

 

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's

probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

 

"His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, and he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

 

 

Be strong honey. I love you, too."

[julyaugustreno]

Ask someone to wave their arm above their head before you say this:

 

You: Knock Knock

Them: whos there?

You: Ya

Them: Ya who?

 

and then proceed to lol

[Midfielder]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

 

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.

 

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

 

"Hello?" the woman says.

 

Wow! She sounded sexy.

 

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

 

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

[Midfielder]

A woman goes to her gynecologist and says "Doctor, Doctor. I think something is dreadfully wrong"

 

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

 

Woman: "Every time I open my legs, my vagina starts singing 'Good Old SFC Forever'!!"

 

Doctor: "Dont worry about it dear. Heaps of kunts sing that song."

Edited July 29, 2012 by Midfielder

[Neverbloom]

A woman goes to her gynecologist and says "Doctor, Doctor. I think something is dreadfully wrong"

 

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

 

Woman: "Every time I open my legs, my vagina starts singing 'Good Old SFC Forever'!!"

 

Doctor: "Dont worry about it dear. Heaps of kunts sing that song."

lol

 

science has proven that birthdays are good for your health, people who have more birthdays tend to live longer

 

my doctor tells me death is very bad for my health

 

just some "jokes" that are unfunny but funny at the same time, kinda the sad kinda funny

[Midfielder]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for

over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little

thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and

generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me

that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She

told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going

upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood

there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front

door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very

happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man

for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Benched]

2 blokes are walking along a footpath, approaching each other.

They both have a similar limp and are dragging a foot.

The first bloke nods at the other, point's to his leg and say's 'Vietnam, 1969'

The other bloke nods, point's to his leg, and say's 'dog sh1t, 50 feet'

[Benched]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

 

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore. I've gone to stay at my Mums!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold........

**** knows what she was on about!!

[Neverbloom]

 

 

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

 

 

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore. I've gone to stay at my Mums!"

 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold........

 

**** knows what she was on about!!

lol, very funny, wish i had some decent jokes

[theguyyouwishyouwere]

penrith panthers 2011/2012

[marron]

A young woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself off the Harbour Bridge.

 

She walked up through the Rocks and onto the bridge and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."

Edited August 16, 2012 by ciudadmarron

[Benched]

effing classic.

[blameturner]

A young woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself off the Harbour Bridge.

 

She walked up through the Rocks and onto the bridge and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."

 

This is great aha

 

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

 

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

Haha love it!

[Midfielder]

Murphy calls on his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

 

Paddy says "would ye be a mate Murphy and go upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezin'"

 

"No bother" says Murphy. He runs up the stairs to see Paddy's two 19 year old, gorgeous, twin daughters sat in their room.

 

"Hello girls, your dad sent me up to shag ye both"

 

"**** off ya liar" one twin says.

 

"I'll prove it" says Murphy. He shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy".

 

Paddy screams "Of course yer ejit, what's the use of fecking one!!!