Jokes

[Midfielder]

A woman came home to find her husband waving a rolled up newspaper around his head. 

“What are you doing dear?” his wife asked. 

“Swatting flies — I got three males and two females,” he said, while watching the flies carefully. 

Puzzled, the wife said, “How on earth do you know which gender they were?”

With a smile, he said, “Easy, three were on the beer and the other two were on the phone.”

[JackDoff]

The only thing Flat Earthers fear , is sphere itself....

[Midfielder]

Q. What does a Sperm and an Lawyer have in common?

A. They both have a 1 in a Million chance of becoming a human being.

[Kitto]

A mate of mine was mowing the lawn when suddenly he slowed right down and started crying.

I asked what was wrong, but he said he was ok and was just going through a rough patch.

[Kitto]

The person who invented fairy bread recently died.

Hundreds and thousands were at the funeral.

[sonar]

World Cup Jokes

World Cup 2006, it is just before England v Brazil in Munich's Olympic Stadium, an important World Cup game.
Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." (he says in Portuguese).
So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - England 0 "
He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from the Munich Olympic Stadium : 
Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - England 1 (D.Beckham 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes"

 

 

[sonar]

Follow these 14 simple tests before you decide to have Children           

Test 1  Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2  Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3  Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm , put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am 
4. Set the alarm for 3am .
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am .
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am .
9. Put the alarm on for 5am . Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4  Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5  Cars
1. Forget the Mustang. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6  Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you..
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8  Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.  
Test 9  Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10  TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11  Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2.. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.
Test 12  Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape/cd in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13  Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14  Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work


You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!! 
 

[JackDoff]

 

A sweet and innocent Italian girl gets married, and the girls mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

Momma, Momma, she cries. I cant believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, Hair on his chest? Hes your husband, its your wedding night, go upstairs.

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother.

Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, Hair on his legs? Hes your husband, its your wedding night, go upstairs.

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.

Momma, Momma! Hes got a foot and a half! What should I do?

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says, A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. Ill go upstairs!!!

[Kitto]

Went to the gym this morning and there was a new machine.

Used it for an hour and felt really sick.

It's a great machine though, does everything - mars bars, chips, chocolate biscuits, soft drink...

[JackDoff]

 

Two women went on a girls night out, and got slightly carried away with the cocktails.

Drunk and walking home, they realised they both needed to pee.

They were near a graveyard and one suggested they do their business behind a headstone. 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away.

But her friend was wearing expensive underwear that she didnt want to throw away.

Thinking on her feet, she managed to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on the grave.

The next day the first womans husband phones the others husband and says these damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties. 

Thats nothing, said the other. Mine had a card stuck between the cheeks of her arse:   "From all of us at the fire station, well never forget you" .

 

[wendybr]

Ahhhhhh.....I nearly choked, that made me laugh so loudly! 

[sonar]

A man in Perth calls his son in Sydney the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so can you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Perth immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[sonar]

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

[Kitto]

My mum asked what the lion and the witch were doing in my wardrobe.

 

I said it's narnia business.

[Midfielder]

If I had a dollar for every woman who finds me unattractive, eventually they'd find me attractive.

[Kitto]

My wife agreed to make our own sex tape, but she got annoyed I started organising auditions for her role.

[JackDoff]

Q : How can you tell if your wife is really dead?

A: Well, the sex is about the same , but the dishes are starting to pile up...

 

[JackDoff]

 

 

A retired sailor puts on his old uniform and   heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his   age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots

Three knots?' he asks. Whats that supposed to mean??'

She says,   'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back. 

[Kitto]

I was talking to a gorgeous woman that I'd recently lost my wife.

She hugged me and said "It'll be alright".

"No it won't," I said, "She'll find me soon".

[Kitto]

Just before he died I loosened the brakes on my grandfather's scooter.

After that he went downhill really fast.

[Kitto]

The inventor of throat lozenges died today.

There will be no coffin at the funeral.

[JackDoff]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
 
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
 
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
 
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000. 

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!' 

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.' 

'Fuuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

[Kitto]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

But unfortunately the librarian told me to take it out.

[JackDoff]

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says "Man, where have you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law". "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" "She wouldn't lie still!"

 

[sonar]

A man went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, his mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, he went to the Australian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Australia for a proper burial. The Consul told him that to send the body back to Australia for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

He thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No mate , it’s not that," he says . "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

[sonar]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[Valter43]

****kk pussy riot

[Kitto]

I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in two years time.

I don't have 2020 vision.

[JackDoff]

 

 

Twin sisters in a nursing home were turning 100 years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100-year-old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera" said the photographer. Yet again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out "OH LORD JESUS! BOTH OF US!? CAN I BE FIRST??"

 

[sonar]

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked. 

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" 

"Sure.." 

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked. 

"No, I can remember it.." 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?" 

He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked. 

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" 

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"