Jokes

[Midfielder]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Midfielder]

1 minute ago, Midfielder said:

Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

You could argue the same about spell check maybe

[SomeGuy1977]

Consider: Every frozen corpse on Mt Everest were once a highly motivated people.

Stay lazy friends.

[Kitto]

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus yesterday.

And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

[JackDoff]

 

 

 

 

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He looks at the first priest and says, Hey, Im Jesus Christ!

The priest replies, No son, youre not.

So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, Hey, Im Jesus Christ! To which the second priest replies, No son, youre not.

Finally, the drunk has had enough and says, Here, Ill prove it.

He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, Jesus Christ, youre back AGAIN?

 

[Neverbloom]

when i am in bed with my girlfriend she likes to pretend she is 13 which is weird and pointless since she is going to be 13 in a few months

[JackDoff]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary "I won the prize for the Best Toast Of The Night".

She said "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife". "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary".

She said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[hawks2767]

I found out on the weekend that my Grandfather was personally responsible for downing 8 German aircraft in one day,

accounting for 16 pilot/copilots and singlehandedly shortened the war.

 

According to his discharge paperwork, workshop supervisor Oberleutnant Helmut Shmidt said Grandad was the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever seen.

 

 

[JackDoff]

A Blonde and a Brunette were discussing past lovers.

The brunette said Ï slept with a Brazilian, last year.

The blond retorted "You slut!"

"How many is a Brazilian anyway?"

[Midfielder]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $145,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Posthoc]

A man went to a zoo, it wasn't a very good zoo

It only had one animal,  a dog.

It was a Shitzhu 

[JackDoff]

We have bought this pet skunk. The wife and I took it for walks every day. One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying "No pets allowed" she turned to me and said. "What shall we do about the pet skunk? "I replied "Shove it down your panties, no one will know. "She then asked me "What about the smell?" And I said "Well if it dies it dies!".

[Midfielder]

A hot shot lawyer from the States who graduated from Harvard runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop at Woy Woy. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and a harvard grad  has a better education than an cop from an Australian coastal village. The cop asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The cop responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," says the cop impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The cop says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The cop says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Midfielder]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. 

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

[sonar]

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic. 
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The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
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“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
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The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
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“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
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The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
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“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
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“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

 

[sonar]

The joke here is that these folks believe what they are saying......lol

https://crooksandliars.com/2018/10/derp-american-flat-earthers-tell-cbs-news

You sometimes have to wonder at the human gene pool...lol

They have to be taking the piss out on people....surely........lol

 

Edited October 14, 2018 by sonar

[JackDoff]

Arthur is 75 years old. Hes played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. Thats it, he tells his wife. Im giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldnt see where it went.

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, Why dont you take my brother with you and give it one more try.

Thats no good, sighs Arthur, your brother is 90. He cant help.

He may be 90, says the wife, but his eyesight is perfect.

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, Did you see the ball?

Of course I did! Answers the brother-in-law. I have perfect eyesight!

Where did it go? Arthur asks.

I dont remember....

[JackDoff]

A mate of mine took home a beautiful 8 week old female chocolate Labrador for his wife as a surprise. Unfortunately she’s allergic to dogs so he has to get rid of her 

if anyone’s interested, she’s 47 yrs old , blond , a great cook n keeps a neat n tidy house!

, 

[Cynth]

 

[sonar]

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

[SomeGuy1977]

14 hours ago, Cynth said:

 

**** eh? 

[marron]

No need to be a little **** about it.

I'd think up some more, but, hey. Who gives a ****.

[Edinburgh]

****, he was good!

[WSWJACK]

Bit of a commotion in the street last evening, I stuck my head out to see what was going on, 4 youths in Sydney FC shirts were playing football with a cat !

I was about to intervene but then the cat went 1- 0 up !

[Midfielder]

My newly retired husband was watching as I went about my daily routine. I vacuumed, cleaned, ironed and sorted the laundry, and after making us both a cup of coffee, I sat down. Hubby looked at me thoughtfully. Was he finally realising he could help, I wondered?

My hopes were dashed when he said, “Isn’t it wonderful how you always find ways to keep yourself so busy.”

[JackDoff]

For married men...

2 secrets to a happy marriage 

1. Whenever you’re wrong , admit it

2. Whenever you’re right, shut up

[SomeGuy1977]

1 hour ago, JackDoff said:

For married men...

2 secrets to a happy marriage 

1. Whenever you’re wrong , admit it

2. Whenever you’re right, shut up

Wouldn’t have thought 2 was an option TBH 

[Midfielder]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." 

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut." 

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

 

[ZachMercer]

Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?
A. A Porsche has the pricks in the inside.

 

[mack]

I remember hearing that joke except the question was a Police Station & a Porcupine.