Jokes

[wendybr]

On 04/08/2019 at 2:53 PM, Edinburgh said:

Woodn't you know, wendy's got a complaint. It just goes against the grain!

 

[Kitto]

I've had my furniture for a long time. Me and my recliner go way back.

[marron]

On 04/08/2019 at 7:48 PM, marron said:

Ok...

I pine for the days when my very subtle puns were better received.

Edited August 7, 2019 by marron

[JackDoff]

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.....so I pushed her over

[Davo]

13 hours ago, JackDoff said:

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.....so I pushed her over

Did the check bounce?

[Kitto]

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 

[Kitto]

A bloke on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving. 

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: 'Officer what's the hold up?' 

The officer replies: 'It's a Sydney FC fan, he's just so depressed about losing the FFA cup match to Brisbane, and the prospect of winning bugger all this season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job. I'm walking around taking a collection for him.' 

'Oh really?' says the bloke 'How much have you collected so far?'. 

'Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

Edited August 8, 2019 by Kitto

[wendybr]

Aha! Davo's made his way over here!

Next stop...the official Pun Thread! 

[sonar]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

[Edinburgh]

A policeman calls in:

"I have a strange one here, a woman just shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor."

"Have you arrested her yet?"

"No, the floor's still wet."

[Edinburgh]

Dad is left at home to look after his 3 year old daughter. 

She's happily playing with her new tea set and offering him pretend cups of tea, but using plain water.

He joyfully plays along and compliments her on the several cups of wonderful tea.

Mum gets home and Dad proudly says watch this. Which Mum does.

Mum then casually remarks, "You do realise there's only one place she can reach to get the water - the toilet!"

 

[Kitto]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. 'Okay,' the sheriff said, 'what is 1 and 1?' 

'Eleven,' she replied. 

The sheriff thought to himself, 'That's not what I meant, but she's right.' 'What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?' 

'Today and tomorrow.' 

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. 

'Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?' 

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, 'I don't know.' 

'Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?' 

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty salon, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. 

'It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!'

[JackDoff]

A woman is looking at herself in front of the mirror, she says to her husband Ive got wrinkles, bags under my eyes and Im overweight.. tell me something good about myself..

Husband replies Well... there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!

 

[sonar]

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and...…......................coke” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged “I’m not sure, I was born with them.”

 

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

 

I was reading a book about helium. I couldn't put it down

 

 

An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

 

I tried to catch fog yesterday.... mist!

[wendybr]

PUN Thread is over there, Sonar!! >>>>>

[sonar]

1 hour ago, wendybr said:

PUN Thread is over there, Sonar!! >>>>>

Oh no......I'm being sent to the principals' office.......

[Edinburgh]

2 hours ago, wendybr said:

PUN Thread is over there, Sonar!! >>>>>

Hey, this is the jokes thread! And your post isn't punny!

[Edinburgh]

A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him, as the friend listens, "My hair and make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married  .........."

[Kitto]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, sits down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, 'Get me a beer before it starts.'

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, 'Get me another beer before it starts.' She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, 'Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.'

The wife is furious. She yells at him 'Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ...' The man sighs and says, 'It's started ...' 

[marron]

Best one liners from this years Edinburgh fringe festival (is that a memorial service for the receded hairline Ed?)

 

1. I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”. I think I might have Florets. – Olaf Falafel

 

2. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. – Richard Stott

3. What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh. – Milton Jones

4. A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, “Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.” – Jake Lambert

5. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

6. Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. – Ross Smith

7. I accidentally booked myself on to an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. – Adele Cliff

8. After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. – Richard Pulsford

9. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian. – Mark Simmons

10. I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts. – Ivo Graham

 

From previous years:

2018: Adam Rowe on the challenges of being sacked. “Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job,” he pointed out to his audience. “Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

2017: Ken Cheng won the 10th annual award with: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."

2016: Masai Graham raised a smile for his organ donation-themed dad joke, “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” 

2015: Darren Walsh won with his line: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

2014: Tim Vine becomes the first to win it more than once with “I've decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust."

2013: Rob Auton's winning one liner: “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2012: Canadian Stewart Francis took the prize for: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2011: Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2010: Tim Vine wins for "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2009: Dan Antolpolski scoops the prize for “Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

Also read this:

I missed the whole festival. I was, reluctantly, on a team-building course.The leader said "There's no 'I' in team."I said "There's no 'F' in point."

 

 

[Edinburgh]

10 hours ago, marron said:

Best one liners from this years Edinburgh fringe festival (is that a memorial service for the receded hairline Ed?)

 

1. I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”. I think I might have Florets. – Olaf Falafel

 

2. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. – Richard Stott

3. What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh. – Milton Jones

4. A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, “Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.” – Jake Lambert

5. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

6. Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. – Ross Smith

7. I accidentally booked myself on to an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. – Adele Cliff

8. After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. – Richard Pulsford

9. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian. – Mark Simmons

10. I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts. – Ivo Graham

 

From previous years:

2018: Adam Rowe on the challenges of being sacked. “Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job,” he pointed out to his audience. “Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

2017: Ken Cheng won the 10th annual award with: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."

2016: Masai Graham raised a smile for his organ donation-themed dad joke, “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” 

2015: Darren Walsh won with his line: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

2014: Tim Vine becomes the first to win it more than once with “I've decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust."

2013: Rob Auton's winning one liner: “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2012: Canadian Stewart Francis took the prize for: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2011: Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2010: Tim Vine wins for "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2009: Dan Antolpolski scoops the prize for “Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

Also read this:

I missed the whole festival. I was, reluctantly, on a team-building course.The leader said "There's no 'I' in team."I said "There's no 'F' in point."

 

 

2011 gets 2nd place behind your introduction!

[SomeGuy1977]

4 hours ago, Edinburgh said:

2011 gets 2nd place behind your introduction!

Nick Helm, the shouty guy? I didn't know he had more than 6 jokes.

I've been throwing out the "You're welcome" and "It would be ideal" in my best shouty voice for years. 

[Midfielder]

Tommy comes home from school and sits down to dinner and says to his mum
"I have the biggest dick in year 1 - why is that mum?"
Mum smacks him round the ears and says
"Because you are 28 you f**king imbecile now try not to slop your dinner down your Jets shirt"

[Edinburgh]

At the married men's regular meeting, Luigi is a new member. He is asked to tell the group a bit about himself. Which he does and this prompts a couple of questions including "How long have you been married?"

Luigi proudly replies "It's our 50th anniversary this year!"

The club president says "Wow, that's wonderful! Is there a secret to being together for so long?"

"Well, I always try to be nice and loving, buy her nice gifts and so on."

"What's the best gift you gave her?"

"I took her back to Italy for our 25th anniversary."

"That's great Luigi, and what do you have planned for your 50th?"

"I'm going back to Italy to bring her back home."

[Edinburgh]

A week before leaving for Italy, Luigi arranged new locks for his shed. But of course, they only keep out honest people! Last night he realised thieves had just broken into the shed, so he called the police but they said no one was available to respond but they would send someone as soon as they could. He called back a minute later and told the police not to hurry as he had shot the thieves.

Within minutes there were police cars, helicopters and armed response on the scene and the thieves were caught red handed.

The senior police officer commented "I thought you said you'd shot them?"

Luigi replied "I thought you said no one was available!"

 

[JackDoff]

My wife asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.....

[JackDoff]

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? 
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. 

 

[wendybr]

One of my colleagues bought a big fat book of jokes...to give to another colleague who will be retiring at the end of the year.

Only one joke has stuck with me.

"Why do a million sperm all swim towards a single egg?

Because they're all too proud to ask for directions!"

My colleague (female) and I both laughed at that one!  

[Smoggy]

17 minutes ago, wendybr said:

One of my colleagues bought a big fat book of jokes...to give to another colleague who will be retiring at the end of the year.

Only one joke has stuck with me.

"Why do a million sperm all swim towards a single egg?

Because they're all too proud to ask for directions!"

My colleague (female) and I both laughed at that one!  

 

 

[wendybr]

7 minutes ago, Erimus said:

 

 

You mean......you.... didn't like the joke?