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1 minute ago, Erimus said:

Jack, you must know a few decent 70's style sexist jokes as a come back huh? :D

Lololol....most of the jokes here are old style sexist jokes.

 

PS I don't care! Sick of idiotic censoring of humour.:D

 

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Husband’s call to his wife:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married!

:meep:

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35 minutes ago, Erimus said:

Jack, you must know a few decent 70's style sexist jokes as a come back huh? :D

If he doesn't I can help out.........

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

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Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.
 
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
 
“What?”
 
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
 
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”

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None of those is any different to the jokes of the last 26 pages!

And that's fine by me!

:lol::lol:

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 

'Oh, Bill, you didn't.' 

'Yes, I did.' 

'My God, Bill, what happened?' 

'I got fired.' 

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 

'Oh...she got fired too.'

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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

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The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. 'Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now'

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.'

'Certainly, Sir,' says the young man behind the counter. 'If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you.'

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, 'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those.'

'I'm sorry Sir', says the young assistant. 'If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.'

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. 'I don't understand it', he says, 'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!'

'I really am terribly sorry', says the young assistant, 'I've just realised I was playing you the bee side.'

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Lol Kitto...that's a lot of words for a punny punchline. :lol:

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For Wen

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

 

A teacher

:meep:

 

 

:P

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A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 80 kilo blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Edited by Kitto

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Man walks into a late night takeaway and fronts up to the counter where there's an older woman ready to take his order. He scans the menu sign & says "I'll take two hamburgers and a hot dog".

The woman notes down his order then heads out the back to sort it out. About five minutes later she comes back with a package under each arm. The customer looks at her and asks "Hey, what are you doing with my hamburgers in your arm pits!"

The woman replies "Just keeping them warm for you."

The man looks at her and after a pause says "Well if that's the case you can forget the hot dog"

 

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My brother came up to me the other day and said that our grandfather was badly burned.

I asked him "How badly burned was he?"

He said "Well they don't fùĉk around at the crematorium"

3c8acw.gif

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You heard about the man who asked his wife to put a $100 note up into her vagina before they had sex?

He wanted to know what it was like to come into money.

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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the old man says, 'Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.'

'Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,' replies the little old lady with a grin.

'Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and we'll do it again.'

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, 'I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!'

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, 'Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?'

The pensioner replies, 'Son, 50 years ago, that f***ing fence wasn't electrified.'

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An apprentice mortician has been working for a few weeks with an experienced funeral director. One day he decides to ask his boss a delicate question.

"Hey boss," he says...can you tell me what happens when a man dies and, well...you know...he dies with an erection?"

The older man looks at him for a few seconds thoughtfully and then replies "Look, that's something I can't tell you. It's best that I show you the next time it happens."

A few more weeks goes by and all is normal until one afternoon the funeral home boss walks into the downstairs morgue and grabs his inexperienced colleague. "I just got a phone call from a hotel...there's a man who has died and he has a big hard on...they've asked me to come in and handle the matter as discreetly as possible. Time for you to come and learn".

They drive as quickly as they can to the hotel and then head up to the reception, the boss carrying a large black bag. The get told the details of the corpse and so head to it as quickly and as discreetly as possible.

When they get there  they enter the room...all the light are off and they can just see the shape of a man lying on the bed under the covers. There is a huge cock shaped bulge sticking up through the sheets.

The older man reaches into his bag and gets out a crow bar. Then, with a nod to his young employee he then takes the cro bar and goes WHACK WHACK WHACK on the hard on.

The young man screams 'Holy shite what do we do next!?"

His boss replies "Get the fook outta here...we're in the wrong room"!

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A man goes to the doctor on Friday to ask for double dose Viagra. "My girlfriend is coming over tonight, my mistress is coming over tomorrow and my wife comes back from a business tip on Sunday night. I need it to help me perform all weekend". After some pleading the doctor agrees but only on the condition that the man come in on Monday for a check up as he was worried about possible heart problems due to the double dose.

Monday comes and the man comes in with his arm in a sling. "What happened over the weekend?" asks the doctor.

The man replies "No one showed up".

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Man comes into a talent agency and says to the talent agent "I got an amazing act for you!"

The talent agent sits behind his desk and says "Oh yeah, what is your act?"

"I sing through my arse" comes the reply.

"You sing through your arse? Oh wow! That sounds like an amazing act" says the agent, now excited.

"It is...would you like me to show you?"

The talent agent nods his head furiously in agreement and says "Hell yes...show me how you sing through your arse!"

The man says "Okay" then turns around, undoes his trousers, pulls them and his underpants down, bends over facing the talent agent, then does a huge crap on the desk.

The talent agent screams "Oh my God...you dirty bastard! Why did you just shite all over my desk?!"

The man replies "Just clearing my throat".

 

And you can tell that one anywhere folks...

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There's this man who is on a merchant ship that hits a reef  and sinks. Fortunately for him he is able to escape on a lifeboat, with his only company being a female pig and a dog. He drifts for a day or so then, with more good luck, he lands on an uninhabited tropical island. He and the animals get out of their lifeboat and after finding fresh water and some fruit he feels pretty good about his situation.

After a few weeks of living off the fresh fruit, water and anything else he can find on the island the man gets used to his life, though sadly no rescuers or other boats come to or past the island. He and the dog and the pig are okay but like anyone the man feels a bit lonely. 

The weeks turn into months and still no sign of a rescue boat. The man is okay physically but his loneliness is driving him crazy. Part of this turns his sexual urges into wanting to make love to the pig. However every time he goes close to the sow the dog growls and lunges, making as if to attack him. So the castaway is left feeling very sexually frustrated.

One day, about six months after his landing on the island with the dog and the pig. he spots what looks to be some wood floating in the surf a few hundred metres out to sea. He dives into the water as he thinks perhaps its a raft...instead, to his surprise it is a beautiful woman, stark naked, lying comatose on the remains of a shipping pallet.

He somehow drags and pushes the woman and her flotsam back to the beach of his island where the dog and the pig are resting, watching him. As soon as he is able to get the naked woman onto firm land he starts to give her mouth to mouth. It takes a little while but eventually she gasps, spits out some water and her eyes open.

The man looks down at her and says "You're safe now...I rescued you from the sea. And I'm so glad you're here."

The beautiful woman looks back and says thank you, then she staggers to her feet. "I was on a ship that sank when it hit a reef...I think I'm the only survivor. Thank you again for saving my life. I wish I could pay you back for what you've done for me."

The man looks her up and down and takes in her extremely sexy body. He then smiles at her and winks knowingly. "I've been alone for six months now...and you know, actually, there is something you could do for me..."

The woman realises that her new male companion has not been with a woman for so long, and so she says "Well, I can do anything you want...anything you need..."

The man replies..."Oh thank you...now, can you take the dog for a walk so I can be alone with the pig?!"

 

(This goes down well at parent teacher nights)

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E-gamer kid in his mid teens ... is forced by his father to go outside...

Dad, said to his son what was it like outside...

The graphics were crap...

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A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers.

She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

...

She slowly spreads her legs, and in a husky voice says

"Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs, looks up at his doting wife and replies,

"HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."

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