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1 hour ago, Midfielder said:

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"  

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.  

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" 

Moral of this story...  

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! 

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Basically the plot of the Gruffalo.

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.


But I think it's Colin.

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One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

'I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!'

'I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!'

'I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!'

'But if you **** one goat.......'

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Reminds of that one about the two hikers passing through a remote area when they come across a farmer sitting on a horse with his dog watching a flock of sheep attentively.

"Watch this mate," says the hiker to his mate. "I'm a ventriloquist, let me have a little fun with this fella."

He goes up to the farmer, and says, "Excuse me mate, can I have a word with your horse?"

The farmer snorts and says, "Do what you will."

"How's life out here?" the hiker asks the horse.

Imagine the surprise of the farmer when the horse appears to reply, "Ah, life is good; the farmer treats me well, although I wouldn't mind a little more grazing time."

"And how about you, Dog?" asks the hiker.

The farmer is doubly shocked when his dog replies, "I love rounding up the sheep! And I love my master! But an extra bit of meat every now and then wouldn't go astray."

By now, some of the flock has begun wandering over to the corner of the field where the hikers and the farmer are.

"Hey! Sheep!" calls the hiker.

"Don't listen to that sheep," says the farmer quickly. "She's a ******* liar."

Edited by marron

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Notice on Toilet Wall : DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING WRITTEN ON THESE WALLS. SHARON IS NOT EASY AND DOES NOT PUT OUT & THAT WAS ONE HELL OF AN AWKWARD PHONE CALL.

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Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Australian Navy nicknamed Captain Bravado by his crew because he showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but 10 pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

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A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, 'Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.' The woman doctor agrees to it.


They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.

Afterward, the man says, 'You're a surgeon, aren't you?' 'Yes,' says the woman, 'how did you know?' 'I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,' he says. 'That makes sense,' says the woman.

'You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?' 'Yeah, how did you know?' asks the man. The woman replies, 'Because I didn't feel a thing.'

Edited by Kitto

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

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https://i.postimg.cc/yxntkN9k/Dancing2019-12-24-8-20-56.png

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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 


The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." 

The defense attorney almost died. 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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How do we feel about Michael Jackson jokes?

 

 

What time is bed time at the Neverland ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

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An apartment guest called the front desk, and the clerk answered, "May I help you?"

The guest said, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to the room,right away. 

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but that's really a personal problem."

The guest replied, "Listen, Buddy, the window won't open, and that's a maintenance problem."

 

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On 02/01/2020 at 7:12 PM, Kitto said:

How do we feel about Michael Jackson jokes?

 

 

What time is bed time at the Neverland ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

 

"Hey, get outta my son!"

 

 

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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One day a couples house was burgled while they slept.

A week latter the police caught the guy.

The husband rushes down to the police station and asks to speak to the man.

The sergeant on the watch explains he can't its all over to the police now and the man is in the cells.

The husband again asks and the sergeant explains sorry Sir you cannot speak to the man.

This time pleading the Husband says look all I wanta know is how did he get into the house without waking the wife I have been trying to do that for 20 years..  

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12 minutes ago, JackDoff said:

A baby seal walks into a club....

 

 

 

:cheeky:

:angry::angry:

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Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.
The first one says, "My dad is so scared of lightning that when it strikes, he slides underneath our bed."
The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared of the dark that when my mother works night shift, he sleeps with the woman next door."

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This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said; "Is that Tooheys or XXXX?"
I said; "There's a tap underneath;  taste it and find out."


I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said; "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that,  I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really", she said, "Go on then...try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,  "Come on, what day was I born?" I said; "Yesterday"


When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

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I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


When you are over sixty,  who gives a ****?

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I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs". She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."


  Honestly,  when you are over sixty, who really gives a shiit?

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The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to
generation,  says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to dismount."

However,  in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1.  Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11.  Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly,  carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

 

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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
 

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier
than the British"

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--- all. Jack has therefore concluded that, 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

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A magician named Don worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so Don did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how Don did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

Don was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship got into difficulty and unfortunately sank. Don luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, with, as fate would have it ......... the Parrot!!

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day.... and then 2 days..... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said.......................... ..............................
.............................. ...... ..


"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship gone?"

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Apple announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign posted on the glass door that read: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager: Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?

Yep, thats him, he replied.

The stranger couldnt help but be amused. “That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me! Why in the world would you post that sign?“

“Because, the owner replied “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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