Jokes

[Midfielder]

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.

Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

[Ossified]

A bloke walked into a Bar with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers. The Barman said "hey buddy, you have a steering wheel down the front of your trousers" The Bloke says " Yes I know it's driving me nuts"

[JackDoff]

I guess China finally got what they wanted...

to Coronise the world! 
 

[JackDoff]

Why are people buying so much toilet paper for the corona virus?

Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shiit themselves

Edited March 12 by JackDoff

[Kitto]

10 hours ago, Ossified said:

A bloke walked into a Bar with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers. The Barman said "hey buddy, you have a steering wheel down the front of your trousers" The Bloke says " Yes I know it's driving me nuts"

 

Another version of that...

 

A bloke walked into a bar with gladwrap around his waist. The barman said "hey buddy, I can clearly see you're nuts".

 

[wendybr]

More! 

[JackDoff]

 I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here"

[marron]

How many people does it take to start a Pandemic?

 

Only Wuhan.

 

(Sorry).

[Edinburgh]

13 hours ago, Ossified said:

A bloke walked into a Bar with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers. The Barman said "hey buddy, you have a steering wheel down the front of your trousers" The Bloke says " Yes I know it's driving me nuts"

 

3 hours ago, Kitto said:

 

Another version of that...

 

A bloke walked into a bar with gladwrap around his waist. The barman said "hey buddy, I can clearly see you're nuts".

 

And to think, I nearly responded to the first one with - and then the barman said "Maaate, you've got balls coming in here and saying that!"

[JackDoff]

I don’t know why people are worried about the  Coronavirus......it  won’t last long , it was made in China.....

[Midfielder]

Bloke dropped all his scrabble letters on the road.

Another bloke walked up to him and said

""" Whats the word on the street"""

Edited March 13 by Midfielder

[Midfielder]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

 

[SomeGuy1977]

Finland have closed their borders. No one is allowed to cross the Finnish line

[Edinburgh]

Day 3, no sport to watch!

There's a woman sitting on the lounge. Apparently she's my wife.

[Edinburgh]

They said I could go to the grocery store as long as I wore a mask and gloves.

Liars!

Everyone else was wearing clothes!

[Edinburgh]

This joke is so bad it should put in isolation.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. 

But this is as close as I could get.

 

[marron]

Got my boss a good one the other day, burst in to the room and said, "mate, did you hear? I was just on twitter, I read that Fleetwood Mac gives you Corona Virus!"

He was confused as (he loves a bit of Stevie Nicks).

I said, "Yeah I know, it's twitter, so it's probably rubbish. All I can say is, don't listen to Rumors."

 

 

[Kitto]

Apparently with lock down measures police in the UK now have the power to break up groups. 

 

Can I first suggest Coldplay? 

[StringerBellend]

39 minutes ago, Kitto said:

Apparently with lock down measures police in the UK now have the power to break up groups. 

 

Can I first suggest Coldplay? 

Brilliant. I'm stealing that one for sure

[wendybr]

^^^ My response is to post my No 1 cheer up song.

Not sure if I've ever posted it on the forums before....

I'll saturate the Music thread if you don't watch out! 

 

[wendybr]

 

 

[Davo]

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope and two school kids are on a plane that’s going down and only has four parachutes.

Trump grabs the first one, says “I’m the smartest man in America, they need me” and jumps.

Boris grabs the second one, says “I have to get Brexit done, they need me” and jumps.

The Pope grabs the third one, says “There are a billion Catholics, they need me” and jumps.

One of the school kids starts to panic. The other says “Don’t worry. The smartest man in America just jumped out of the plane with my school bag.”

[wendybr]

^^^

Thank you! 

[JackDoff]

My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my Grandma

 

until my mum took the urn from me....

[Kitto]

10 hours ago, JackDoff said:

My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my Grandma

 

until my mum took the urn from me....

 

Oh goodness, there needs to be more than just a laugh and love reaction to posts....

[SomeGuy1977]

[Me, laying in bed]: you're closer than 1.5 metres

[Wife]:

[Me]: While you're up, do you mind making coffee?

And that's how I got a black eye

[Midfielder]

Yo momma so dumb, she tried to surf the microwave

 

 

[Midfielder]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

[SomeGuy1977]

26 minutes ago, Midfielder said:

Yo momma so dumb, she tried to surf the microwave

 

 

Yo momma fight!

https://youtu.be/V4n0F9R90F0

Edited March 30 by SomeGuy1977

[JackDoff]

My Mrs is fed up of my constant Dad jokes , so I asked her “ How can I stop my addiction?”

Mrs : Whatever means necessary

Me : No it doesn't