Jump to content

Jokes

Midfielder

By Midfielder
in Off Topic Forum

Recommended Posts

MiguelB

MiguelB

Posted
Posted

What's brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick.

What's white and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a white stick.

Link to comment
Tranquilo

Tranquilo

Posted
Posted

my son attends a private school. Won't tell me where it is!

bought a packet of self raising flour 3 years ago. Im still taking care of it today!

i work as a tradesman, everyday i get hammered,plastered or screwed!

cop pulled me over and asked me to identify myself so i looked in the rear vision mirror and said, ''thats me''.

went to the local stationary store but found out it had moved!

 

thats all my lame one liners for now!!

Link to comment
Peaches

Peaches

Posted
Posted

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

 

 

 

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

Link to comment
  • 5 months later...
Midfielder

Midfielder

Posted
  • Author
Posted

See you guys in game one... but for now a story of a RBB fisherman... enjoy...

 

There’s this big mid-twenties [RBB man tho and tho] fisherman called Fred from Parrmatta who takes his little 25 HP tinnie out through  Sydney Heads to about 3 K off the coast. Clear clam day six pack of long necks and bottle of bundie on board, fishing tackle at the ready.

Fred pulls his hat over his eyes drops the anchor, baits his first line looks at the Sun starting to rise, opens his first long neck, lights a cigie, and for the first time notices a low flying large cloud approaching his boat.

The cloud drifts over Fred’s boat stops and hovers, then the cloud starts to fall towards Fred’s boat and then again hovers. Suddenly a steel spiral staircase lowers itself from the cloud towards Fred’s boat stopping just short from sinking the boat, but low enough that the boat cannot move.

Fred is gamier than most and decides to go and look at what is on top of the cloud. When Fred gets to the top of the staircase it’s all misty and Fred is scared of walking on the cloud as he through he would fall thought it. Fred’s game so he carefully edges off the staircase and his great surprise does not fall through. 

Fred keeps exploring then finds a huge castle. It got an enormous draw bridge for a door. There is a door bell which Fred rings expecting a giant to come through. To Fred huge surprise this little dwarf opens the door and in a high pitched voice asks Fred what he wants and how he got to the castle. Fred sees the size of the dwarf and feeling more in control now shows a little anger saying ---MATE your cloud dropped almost sunk my boat then this dirty great staircase comes falling out of the cloud almost killing me.

Well the dwarf is beside himself saying sorry for this and sorry for that. Fred accepts the dwarf apologies and says what the hell are you doing in a castle on a cloud and how does it work.

The dwarf tells Fred his life story brilliant at most things but teased because of his size. He build the cloud and the castle to escape the rat race. Fred asked for a tour of the castle and while on the tour said to the dwarf how do you keep yourself from going mad, who do you speak to.

That’s easy said the dwarf I have a pet gorilla. I’ve taught the gorilla every game known to man and he is very clever. Bull **** said Fred, no its true, says the dwarf. Fred insists on meeting the gorilla which the dwarfs permits.

The dwarf takes Fred to a dungeon there in the corner is a gorilla with a huge chain anchored to the wall wrapped around the gorilla’s neck. The gorilla takes a look at Fred pushes a button and out pops a pool table. The gorilla easily wins.

Fred says this is amazing, the dwarf warned Fred never under any circumstances touch the gorilla. Fred and the dwarf are hitting it off just fine and the dwarf asked Fred if he would mine looking after the gorilla while he went off and did some shopping. My pleasure said Fred.

Fred wonders back to the gorilla and they play every game of cards you could imagine, squash, tennis, cricket, ten pin bowling, and more pool. Every game the gorilla won easily. Fred was becoming upset and when he through the gorilla was not looking he sneaked up behind him and touched him on the shoulder. 

Well you have seen nothing like it the gorilla swelled to twice his size grabbed the chain from around his neck broke it in half then pulled the chain off the wall. Fred was game but not stupid so Fred took off slamming the dungeon door behind him. The gorilla runs straight through the door. Fred hiding; the gorilla looking for Fred growing bigger all the time. 

Fred saw his chance when the gorilla when upstairs and made for the draw bridge again shutting it behind him. The gorilla again ran straight through the draw bridge. Fred hiding in the mist of the cloud suddenly came to the end of the cloud. Then he spotted his boat just below so he jumped into his boat and thanked his luckily stars that the cloud had drifted. Slowly Fred drew in the anchor started the motor and head off to the closest shore which was Palm Beach. When about a kilometer off Palm Beach the gorilla spotted Fred in his boat and dived off the cloud to chase Fred.

It was close but Fred’s surfing skills did not desert him and he made it back to the beach just before the gorilla. Fred then forced a guy out of his car and headed for Sydney. When the gorilla got to the beach he was about four stories high. The gorilla picked up some people bit their heads off an through them away and started to run after Fred. Fred foot flat to the floor all over the road changing direction you name it Fred was doing it all to get away from the gorilla who was still getting bigger.

Fred got to the harbour bridge drove down the wrong side of the bridge with the gorilla in close pursuit by now three steps is all the gorilla needed to cross the bridge which by the way he bent. Down George street they go the gorilla knocking over small skyscrapers as he tries to catch Fred. Down Parramatta road they go by now the air force, police, army are all out to stop the gorilla Fred is still screaming down Paramatta road. At Lidcombe the military lay a trap for the gorilla but the gorilla squashes a tank grabs a plane from out of the air and continues the chase for Fred.

Fred reaches Parramatta and begs to be locked in the Parramatta jail the lowest and most secure cell. The gorilla kicks the entire jail away apart from Fred cell. Lifts the lid on Fred’s cell with Fred laying on the cell floor screaming in terror, the gorilla says wait for it

Tag your it

Sorry yes sorry but if you read it all at least smile.

Link to comment
Balkanite

Balkanite

Posted
Posted

See you guys in game one... but for now a story of a RBB fisherman... enjoy...

 

There’s this big mid-twenties [RBB man tho and tho] fisherman called Fred from Parrmatta who takes his little 25 HP tinnie out through  Sydney Heads to about 3 K off the coast. Clear clam day six pack of long necks and bottle of bundie on board, fishing tackle at the ready.

 

Fred pulls his hat over his eyes drops the anchor, baits his first line looks at the Sun starting to rise, opens his first long neck, lights a cigie, and for the first time notices a low flying large cloud approaching his boat.

 

The cloud drifts over Fred’s boat stops and hovers, then the cloud starts to fall towards Fred’s boat and then again hovers. Suddenly a steel spiral staircase lowers itself from the cloud towards Fred’s boat stopping just short from sinking the boat, but low enough that the boat cannot move.

 

Fred is gamier than most and decides to go and look at what is on top of the cloud. When Fred gets to the top of the staircase it’s all misty and Fred is scared of walking on the cloud as he through he would fall thought it. Fred’s game so he carefully edges off the staircase and his great surprise does not fall through. 

 

Fred keeps exploring then finds a huge castle. It got an enormous draw bridge for a door. There is a door bell which Fred rings expecting a giant to come through. To Fred huge surprise this little dwarf opens the door and in a high pitched voice asks Fred what he wants and how he got to the castle. Fred sees the size of the dwarf and feeling more in control now shows a little anger saying ---MATE your cloud dropped almost sunk my boat then this dirty great staircase comes falling out of the cloud almost killing me.

 

Well the dwarf is beside himself saying sorry for this and sorry for that. Fred accepts the dwarf apologies and says what the hell are you doing in a castle on a cloud and how does it work.

 

The dwarf tells Fred his life story brilliant at most things but teased because of his size. He build the cloud and the castle to escape the rat race. Fred asked for a tour of the castle and while on the tour said to the dwarf how do you keep yourself from going mad, who do you speak to.

 

That’s easy said the dwarf I have a pet gorilla. I’ve taught the gorilla every game known to man and he is very clever. Bull **** said Fred, no its true, says the dwarf. Fred insists on meeting the gorilla which the dwarfs permits.

 

The dwarf takes Fred to a dungeon there in the corner is a gorilla with a huge chain anchored to the wall wrapped around the gorilla’s neck. The gorilla takes a look at Fred pushes a button and out pops a pool table. The gorilla easily wins.

 

Fred says this is amazing, the dwarf warned Fred never under any circumstances touch the gorilla. Fred and the dwarf are hitting it off just fine and the dwarf asked Fred if he would mine looking after the gorilla while he went off and did some shopping. My pleasure said Fred.

 

Fred wonders back to the gorilla and they play every game of cards you could imagine, squash, tennis, cricket, ten pin bowling, and more pool. Every game the gorilla won easily. Fred was becoming upset and when he through the gorilla was not looking he sneaked up behind him and touched him on the shoulder. 

 

Well you have seen nothing like it the gorilla swelled to twice his size grabbed the chain from around his neck broke it in half then pulled the chain off the wall. Fred was game but not stupid so Fred took off slamming the dungeon door behind him. The gorilla runs straight through the door. Fred hiding; the gorilla looking for Fred growing bigger all the time. 

 

Fred saw his chance when the gorilla when upstairs and made for the draw bridge again shutting it behind him. The gorilla again ran straight through the draw bridge. Fred hiding in the mist of the cloud suddenly came to the end of the cloud. Then he spotted his boat just below so he jumped into his boat and thanked his luckily stars that the cloud had drifted. Slowly Fred drew in the anchor started the motor and head off to the closest shore which was Palm Beach. When about a kilometer off Palm Beach the gorilla spotted Fred in his boat and dived off the cloud to chase Fred.

 

It was close but Fred’s surfing skills did not desert him and he made it back to the beach just before the gorilla. Fred then forced a guy out of his car and headed for Sydney. When the gorilla got to the beach he was about four stories high. The gorilla picked up some people bit their heads off an through them away and started to run after Fred. Fred foot flat to the floor all over the road changing direction you name it Fred was doing it all to get away from the gorilla who was still getting bigger.

 

Fred got to the harbour bridge drove down the wrong side of the bridge with the gorilla in close pursuit by now three steps is all the gorilla needed to cross the bridge which by the way he bent. Down George street they go the gorilla knocking over small skyscrapers as he tries to catch Fred. Down Parramatta road they go by now the air force, police, army are all out to stop the gorilla Fred is still screaming down Paramatta road. At Lidcombe the military lay a trap for the gorilla but the gorilla squashes a tank grabs a plane from out of the air and continues the chase for Fred.

 

Fred reaches Parramatta and begs to be locked in the Parramatta jail the lowest and most secure cell. The gorilla kicks the entire jail away apart from Fred cell. Lifts the lid on Fred’s cell with Fred laying on the cell floor screaming in terror, the gorilla says wait for it

 

Tag your it

 

Sorry yes sorry but if you read it all at least smile.

 

 

I want my time back please ..

Link to comment
Burgerman

Burgerman

Posted
Posted

 

See you guys in game one... but for now a story of a RBB fisherman... enjoy...

 

There’s this big mid-twenties [RBB man tho and tho] fisherman called Fred from Parrmatta who takes his little 25 HP tinnie out through  Sydney Heads to about 3 K off the coast. Clear clam day six pack of long necks and bottle of bundie on board, fishing tackle at the ready.

 

Fred pulls his hat over his eyes drops the anchor, baits his first line looks at the Sun starting to rise, opens his first long neck, lights a cigie, and for the first time notices a low flying large cloud approaching his boat.

 

The cloud drifts over Fred’s boat stops and hovers, then the cloud starts to fall towards Fred’s boat and then again hovers. Suddenly a steel spiral staircase lowers itself from the cloud towards Fred’s boat stopping just short from sinking the boat, but low enough that the boat cannot move.

 

Fred is gamier than most and decides to go and look at what is on top of the cloud. When Fred gets to the top of the staircase it’s all misty and Fred is scared of walking on the cloud as he through he would fall thought it. Fred’s game so he carefully edges off the staircase and his great surprise does not fall through. 

 

Fred keeps exploring then finds a huge castle. It got an enormous draw bridge for a door. There is a door bell which Fred rings expecting a giant to come through. To Fred huge surprise this little dwarf opens the door and in a high pitched voice asks Fred what he wants and how he got to the castle. Fred sees the size of the dwarf and feeling more in control now shows a little anger saying ---MATE your cloud dropped almost sunk my boat then this dirty great staircase comes falling out of the cloud almost killing me.

 

Well the dwarf is beside himself saying sorry for this and sorry for that. Fred accepts the dwarf apologies and says what the hell are you doing in a castle on a cloud and how does it work.

 

The dwarf tells Fred his life story brilliant at most things but teased because of his size. He build the cloud and the castle to escape the rat race. Fred asked for a tour of the castle and while on the tour said to the dwarf how do you keep yourself from going mad, who do you speak to.

 

That’s easy said the dwarf I have a pet gorilla. I’ve taught the gorilla every game known to man and he is very clever. Bull **** said Fred, no its true, says the dwarf. Fred insists on meeting the gorilla which the dwarfs permits.

 

The dwarf takes Fred to a dungeon there in the corner is a gorilla with a huge chain anchored to the wall wrapped around the gorilla’s neck. The gorilla takes a look at Fred pushes a button and out pops a pool table. The gorilla easily wins.

 

Fred says this is amazing, the dwarf warned Fred never under any circumstances touch the gorilla. Fred and the dwarf are hitting it off just fine and the dwarf asked Fred if he would mine looking after the gorilla while he went off and did some shopping. My pleasure said Fred.

 

Fred wonders back to the gorilla and they play every game of cards you could imagine, squash, tennis, cricket, ten pin bowling, and more pool. Every game the gorilla won easily. Fred was becoming upset and when he through the gorilla was not looking he sneaked up behind him and touched him on the shoulder. 

 

Well you have seen nothing like it the gorilla swelled to twice his size grabbed the chain from around his neck broke it in half then pulled the chain off the wall. Fred was game but not stupid so Fred took off slamming the dungeon door behind him. The gorilla runs straight through the door. Fred hiding; the gorilla looking for Fred growing bigger all the time. 

 

Fred saw his chance when the gorilla when upstairs and made for the draw bridge again shutting it behind him. The gorilla again ran straight through the draw bridge. Fred hiding in the mist of the cloud suddenly came to the end of the cloud. Then he spotted his boat just below so he jumped into his boat and thanked his luckily stars that the cloud had drifted. Slowly Fred drew in the anchor started the motor and head off to the closest shore which was Palm Beach. When about a kilometer off Palm Beach the gorilla spotted Fred in his boat and dived off the cloud to chase Fred.

 

It was close but Fred’s surfing skills did not desert him and he made it back to the beach just before the gorilla. Fred then forced a guy out of his car and headed for Sydney. When the gorilla got to the beach he was about four stories high. The gorilla picked up some people bit their heads off an through them away and started to run after Fred. Fred foot flat to the floor all over the road changing direction you name it Fred was doing it all to get away from the gorilla who was still getting bigger.

 

Fred got to the harbour bridge drove down the wrong side of the bridge with the gorilla in close pursuit by now three steps is all the gorilla needed to cross the bridge which by the way he bent. Down George street they go the gorilla knocking over small skyscrapers as he tries to catch Fred. Down Parramatta road they go by now the air force, police, army are all out to stop the gorilla Fred is still screaming down Paramatta road. At Lidcombe the military lay a trap for the gorilla but the gorilla squashes a tank grabs a plane from out of the air and continues the chase for Fred.

 

Fred reaches Parramatta and begs to be locked in the Parramatta jail the lowest and most secure cell. The gorilla kicks the entire jail away apart from Fred cell. Lifts the lid on Fred’s cell with Fred laying on the cell floor screaming in terror, the gorilla says wait for it

 

Tag your it

 

Sorry yes sorry but if you read it all at least smile.

 

 

I want my time back please ..

 

x2

 

Is the gorilla a Mariners pet member?

Link to comment
Midfielder

Midfielder

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Little Mary Smith is attending her first day at her new school in Bondi .... the teachers says put up your hand all those who support SFC ... everyone in the class puts their hand up except little Mary... teacher walks down the classroom isle  and says louder put up your hand if you support SFC... Mary keeps her hand down...

 

Teacher then says to Mary well who do you support and she says the Mariners ...  teacher laughs and says why ... Mary says because my Dad and Mum support the Mariners ... Dads a Coastie and so's Mum and we are a loyal family...

 

Teacher fires back but you are in Bondi now not the Central Coast so you should support SFC... Mary says no she will support the Mariners like her Mum & Dad..

 

Teachers then fires off ... what if your father was a drug dealer and your mother a prostitute would you still follow and do what they say ... Mary said in that case I would support SFC.. 

Link to comment
TehSmileyBandit

TehSmileyBandit

Posted
Posted

Little Mary Smith is attending her first day at her new school in Bondi .... the teachers says put up your hand all those who support SFC ... everyone in the class puts their hand up except little Mary... teacher walks down the classroom isle  and says louder put up your hand if you support SFC... Mary keeps her hand down...

 

Teacher then says to Mary well who do you support and she says the Mariners ...  teacher laughs and says why ... Mary says because my Dad and Mum support the Mariners ... Dads a Coastie and so's Mum and we are a loyal family...

 

Teacher fires back but you are in Bondi now not the Central Coast so you should support SFC... Mary says no she will support the Mariners like her Mum & Dad..

 

Teachers then fires off ... what if your father was a drug dealer and your mother a prostitute would you still follow and do what they say ... Mary said in that case I would support SFC.. 

 

That's a good one. The only problem is it's a little unbelievable. A coastie moving to bondi?

 

To be fair, it wouldn't work for Western Sydney either!

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Midfielder

Midfielder

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Oldie .... but still a laugh...

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school in Tasmania. One class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'. 'No,' said Rudd 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'. 'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Rudd 'that's what we would call great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rudd searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Rudd . 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'
Link to comment
Midfielder

Midfielder

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Subject: New York School Teacher Arrested

NEW YORK ,  - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General  said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philandererïos lsosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the US President said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

Link to comment
Wanderer74

Wanderer74

Posted
Posted

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Link to comment
westofcentre

westofcentre

Posted
Posted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlH_sZ6LhEE

 

 

 

Gee I love living in Western Sydney. Only us will appreciate this, so funny...

Lol funny thing is we know people like this.

 

Got a mate who is a gym junkie. For his bucks night invitations he was going to send a card around with a pic of him flexing with his shirt off.

 

Only the intrvention of a rather mad fiance stopped them from going out.

Link to comment
Midfielder

Midfielder

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Brillant

Link to comment
Carns

Carns

Posted
Posted

Got a mate who is a gym junkie. For his bucks night invitations he was going to send a card around with a pic of him flexing with his shirt off.

 

Only the intrvention of a rather mad fiance stopped them from going out.

That is funnier than most jokes on here. Some people are delusional.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...