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Wife: Hurry up We need to hurry to be on the plane.

Me.You can do whatever you like but I'm getting in it.

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Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had £2.00 between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large sausage.

Scott said, "Are you mad? Now we don't have any money left at all".

Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".

They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.

Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get down on your knees and put it in your mouth ."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub , getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD PUB

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Twas as said day and three Hal fans were returning from a function, A Wanders Fan, a Mariners fan, and a South Gosford FC fan.

The function had been at the new Parramatta stadium, and Parking being what it is they decided to park in Westmead and walk across Parramatta park.

As they approached the lower bridge crossing the river, they noticed something in the scrub and trees nearby.

They found a young naked female dead and called the police. Out of respect they took off their caps to cover her private parts. The Mariner fan placed his cap over her left breast, the Wanders fan placed his cap over her right breast, and the South Gosford Fc fan placed his cap over her very private parts.

When the police arrived, they took statements and one officer kept removing the South Gosford FC cap and then putting back in place.

After a while the three fans said are you some kind of perv the way you keep removing that cap.

The office replied, I am dumbfounded as I have ever only seen arseholes under those caps.

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They told me I wouldn’t be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic....

but so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they look great! 

 

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A blonde teenage girl wanting to earn some extra money decides to look for work as a handy-woman.

So she started by canvassing a nearby well to do area. At the first house she asked the owner if he had any odd jobs she could do.

He said "Well, I guess I could use someone to paint my porch. How much would you charge?" She replied "How about $50?"

He agreed saying "Fine, the paint and everything else you'll neec are in the garage."

His wife overhears and comments "Does she realise the porch goex all the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical isn't it?"

"You're right. Those email blonde jokes we've been getting lately have been a bad influence."

Later that day the girl comes to the door and asks for her money. The surprised owner says "What? You're finished already?"

"Yes, and there was paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

The impressed owner pays the $50 plus a $10 tip.

"Thanks." She says. "And by the way, it's a Lexus, not a Porch."

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My recent attempt to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes has made me a laughing stock.

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Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created!   :crazy:

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4 minutes ago, JackDoff said:

Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created!   :crazy:

Oh FFS!!!

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4 hours ago, Wanderboy said:

Oh FFS!!!

This made me laugh :lol:more than Jack's joke did! :rolleyes:

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7 hours ago, wendybr said:

This made me laugh :lol:more than Jack's joke did! :rolleyes:

<_<

 

 

 

:P

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Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, JackDoff said:

Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created!   :crazy:

Sunday: May. Monday: An. Tuesday: May. Wednesday: An. Thursday: May. Friday: An. Saturday: Betty........Thus in 2012 the Mayan calender came to an abrupt end.:P

Edited by sonar

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A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him, faster...faster ...BUMP ... BUMP ...BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything...

All he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...



...and...of...course,



...the coffin stops!

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Posted (edited)

I've heard a different version of that....

 

A funeral director is wheeling a coffin on a cart to load into the back of a hearse. Unfortunately the hearse is parked on a slight incline and the director trips and loses control of the cart. 

As the coffin wheels away the director gives chase. A pharmacist standing in the doorway of his store spots the commotion and rushes inside. He comes back out with some medicine and says "this will stop your coffin". 

Edited by Kitto

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Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital  !   :lol:
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding, it gets shot

:P

 

 

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There’s this big mid-twenty fisherman called Fred from Parramatta who takes his little 25 HP tinnie out through the Sydney heads to about 3 K off the coast. Clear clam day six pack of long necks and bottle of JD on board, fishing tackle at the ready.

Fred pulls his hat over his eyes drops the anchor, baits his first line looks at the Sun starting to rise, opens his first long neck, lights a cigie, and for the first time notices a low flying large cloud approaching his boat.

The cloud drifts over Fred’s boat stops and hovers, then the cloud starts to fall towards Fred’s boat and then again hovers. Suddenly a steel spiral staircase lowers itself from the cloud towards Fred’s boat stopping just short from sinking the boat, but low enough that the boat cannot move.

Fred is gamier than most and decides to go and look at what is on top of the cloud. When Fred gets to the top of the staircase it’s all misty and Fred is scared of walking on the cloud as he through he would fall thought it. Fred’s game so he carefully edges off the staircase and his great surprise does not fall through.

Fred keeps exploring then finds a huge castle. It got an enormous draw bridge for a door. There is a door bell which Fred rings expecting a giant to come through. To Fred huge surprise this little dwarf opens the door and in a high-pitched voice asks Fred what he wants and how he got to the castle. Fred sees the size of the dwarf and feeling more in control now shows a little anger saying ---MATE your cloud dropped almost sunk my boat then this dirty great staircase comes falling out of the cloud almost killing me.

Well the dwarf is beside himself saying sorry for this and sorry for that. Fred accepts the dwarf apologies and says what the hell are you doing in a castle on a cloud and how does it work.

The dwarf tells Fred his life story brilliant at most things but teased because of his size. He built the cloud and the castle to escape the rat race. Fred asked for a tour of the castle and while on the tour said to the dwarf how do you keep yourself from going mad, who do you speak to.

That’s easy said the dwarf I have a pet gorilla. I’ve taught the gorilla every game known to man and he is very clever. Bull **** said Fred, no its true, says the dwarf. Fred insists on meeting the gorilla which the dwarfs permits.

The dwarf takes Fred to a dungeon there in the corner is a gorilla with a huge chain anchored to the wall wrapped around the gorilla’s neck. The gorilla takes a look at Fred pushes a button and out pops a pool table. The gorilla easily wins.

Fred says this is amazing, the dwarf warned Fred never under any circumstances touch the gorilla. Fred and the dwarf are hitting it off just fine and the dwarf asked Fred if he would mine looking after the gorilla while he went off and did some shopping. My pleasure said Fred.

Fred wonders back to the gorilla and they play every game of cards you could imagine, squash, tennis, cricket, ten pin bowling, and more pool. Every game the gorilla won easily. Fred was becoming upset and when he through the gorilla was not looking, he sneaked up behind him and touched him on the shoulder.

Well you have seen nothing like it the gorilla swelled to twice his size grabbed the chain from around his neck broke it in half then pulled the chain off the wall. Fred was game but not stupid so Fred took off slamming the dungeon door behind him. The gorilla runs straight through the door. With Fred hiding and the  gorilla looking for Fred growing bigger all the time.

Fred saw his chance when the gorilla when upstairs and made for the draw bridge again shutting it behind him. The gorilla again ran straight through the draw bridge. Fred hiding in the mist of the cloud suddenly came to the end of the cloud. Then he spotted his boat just below so he jumped into his boat and thanked his luckily stars that the cloud had drifted. Slowly Fred drew in the anchor started the motor and head off to the closest shore which was Palm Beach. When about a kilometer off Manly Beach the gorilla spotted Fred in his boat and dived off the cloud to chase Fred.

It was close but Fred’s surfing skills did not desert him and he made it back to the beach just before the gorilla. Fred then forced a guy out of his car and headed for Sydney. When the gorilla got to the beach, he was about four stories high. The gorilla picked up some people bit their heads off & through them away and started to run after Fred. Fred foot flat to the floor all over the road changing direction you name it Fred was doing it all to get away from the gorilla who was still getting bigger.

Fred got to the harbour bridge drove down the wrong side of the bridge with the gorilla in close pursuit by now three steps is all the gorilla needed to cross the bridge which by the way he bent. Down George street they go the gorilla knocking over small skyscrapers as he tries to catch Fred. Down Parramatta road they go by now the air force, police, army are all out to stop the gorilla Fred is still screaming down Paramatta road. At Lidcombe the military lay a trap for the gorilla but the gorilla squashes a tank grabs a plane from out of the air and continues the chase for Fred.

Fred reaches Parramatta and begs to be locked in the Parramatta jail the lowest and most secure cell. The gorilla kicks the entire jail away apart from Fred cell. Lifts the lid on Fred’s cell with Fred laying on the cell floor screaming in terror, the gorilla says wait for it

 

Tag your it

 

Sorry yes sorry but if you read it all at least smile….. mods don’t ban me I won’t do it again…

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, JackDoff said:

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital  !   :lol:
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding, it gets shot

:P

 

 

 

My grandfather once told me he told his dad a version of that joke in 1929 and copped a beating (I am not joking). (His joke was about being born in a horse-piddle).

Edited by marron

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I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing...

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

 

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5 minutes ago, Kitto said:

If my current employment doesn't work out, I might create and sell honey products. 

It's my plan B. 

Who did you hive off that idea from?

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On 28/04/2020 at 1:39 PM, Edinburgh said:

Who did you hive off that idea from?

Pfft!

Who's beeing silly now?

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1 minute ago, Midfielder said:

^^^^^

Stinging reply

Hive been trying to think of 'OW! to join in!

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11 minutes ago, wendybr said:

Hive been trying to think of 'OW! to join in!

I see you are into "buzz" words now

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9 hours ago, Midfielder said:

I see you are into "buzz" words now

Nothing honey coated from wendy, she is just playing at being a queen bee..

 

 

 

 

..itch.

 

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22 minutes ago, Burgerman said:

I'm getting allergic from this thread as to many stingers

Turning to jelly eh?

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From a US newspaper.......

When told 350 Brazilians died overnight due to Covid-19 President Trump asked his advisers how many is a Brazillion...?

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36 minutes ago, sonar said:

From a US newspaper.......

When told 350 Brazilians died overnight due to Covid-19 President Trump asked his advisers how many is a Brazillion...?

for a second i didnt see the topic title and i didnt know it was a joke........sadly seems pretty normal for him :P

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5 hours ago, sonar said:

From a US newspaper.......

When told 350 Brazilians died overnight due to Covid-19 President Trump asked his advisers how many is a Brazillion...?

I like this one.....however it's recycled from the Reagan and Dubya eras !!

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