Jokes

[Edinburgh]

At a couples' conference the speaker commented that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don't know their wife's favourite flower.

Paddy leaned over and whispered to his wife, "It's self raising isn't it?"

[Edinburgh]

One of my grandkids asked why, after all those decades of being together, I still call Nanna darling, sweetheart, honey, beautiful, gorgeous etc.

I couldn't lie, and told the truth, I forrgot her name 5 years ago and haven't been game to ask her what it is.

[JackDoff]

A kid asks his dad, "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

Dad: "Because Teresa is an anagram of 'Easter' and your mother likes Easter."

Kid: "Oh, I see. Thanks, dad."

Dad: "No problem, Alan."

[Edinburgh]

SFC Mum's Letter

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty kilometres of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Bondi family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a ute.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Mom

[Kitto]

Do you know how Princess Leia got coronavirus? She went to woo han.

[Midfielder]

A man is out shopping when he sees a beautiful young blond girl waving at hime from across the road.

He doesn't recognose her and when she comes over and says hello he tells her that he doesn't recognise her.

She says you're the father of one of my children.

He thinks and he says OMG you're not the prostitute I had on the billaird table in the bar in Prague are you?

No she says I'm your son's teacher

[Edinburgh]

A few years back, I set up a new business supplying spices and the like to restaurants. I thought calling the business "Taste" was rather clever.

One day a tax auditor turned up and said he was here to examine the books. I told him we don't have any as there is no accounting for Taste.

[Kitto]

As an experiment, my kid has been wearing a different Sydney FC shirt every day for the past two weeks. So far he's been spat on, verbally abused, punched and kicked... God know what will happen when we finally let him out of the house. 

[Burgerman]

🤣😂 Thanks kitto that cracked me up hard and needed it 👍

[SomeGuy1977]

What do a church service in Helsinki and Mortal Kombat have in common?

 

Finnish Hymn

[JackDoff]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing spot for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Franks wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. 

Franks friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camp site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I've been here since yesterday.”

“Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, Guess who? I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.”

“She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.”

“On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.”

“And then she said, Do whatever you want.”

“So, here I am !”

[SomeGuy1977]

(A bit of an oldie, but still funny)

Flight Attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging son* that should have been you

Son: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a graphic designer to help are they?

Son: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Why don't you save him as a PDF and see if that helps

[Midfielder]

A local Smith Family office realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the Smith Family rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken Smith Family rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated Smith Family rep completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea.

On a roll now, the lawyer cut him off once again,

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Kitto]

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? 

 

A cat-has-trophy! 

[JackDoff]

 

__________________

[Edinburgh]

John was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.....only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. 
 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just had.    

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying.....and wasn't drunk. 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.. 

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[JackDoff]

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

[Kitto]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' he said, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!,' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I switched cocks,' he replied.

She smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Neverbloom]

1 hour ago, Kitto said:

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' he said, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!,' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I switched cocks,' he replied.

She smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

i have seen that video before

[JackDoff]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. 

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know

[wendybr]

  Didn't see that coming.

I probably should have, but I didn't!  

[JackDoff]

Stevie Wonder  was given a cheese grater for his birthday. Said it was the most violent book he’d ever read...

[sonar]

1. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

2.A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

3.A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a gay.”

[JackDoff]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre & it was packed..

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

...

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch.

It's Gold and keeps perfect time.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke.

It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH!T!" ..said Claude the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back to entertain...

[wendybr]

^^^ Huh? I must be having a senior moment? 

[marron]

The oldies are all hypnotised so they will do what Claude tells them.

[JackDoff]

6 hours ago, wendybr said:

^^^ Huh? I must be having a senior moment? 

[Edinburgh]

6 hours ago, wendybr said:

^^^ Huh? I must be having a senior moment? 

Mrs Ed didn't get it either. 

[wendybr]

On 29/07/2020 at 6:48 AM, marron said:

The oldies are all hypnotised so they will do what Claude tells them.

Ohhhhhhhhhh! OK!

Dammit!

[JackDoff]

6 men were beating up my mother in law, Wife asks "are you going to help?!?"  I  reply  "no 6 should be enough."