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At a couples' conference the speaker commented that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don't know their wife's favourite flower.

Paddy leaned over and whispered to his wife, "It's self raising isn't it?"

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One of my grandkids asked why, after all those decades of being together, I still call Nanna darling, sweetheart, honey, beautiful, gorgeous etc.

I couldn't lie, and told the truth, I forrgot her name 5 years ago and haven't been game to ask her what it is.

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A kid asks his dad, "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

Dad: "Because Teresa is an anagram of 'Easter' and your mother likes Easter."

Kid: "Oh, I see. Thanks, dad."

Dad: "No problem, Alan."

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SFC Mum's Letter

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty kilometres of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Bondi family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a ute.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Mom

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A man is out shopping when he sees a beautiful young blond girl waving at hime from across the road.

He doesn't recognose her and when she comes over and says hello he tells her that he doesn't recognise her.

She says you're the father of one of my children.

He thinks and he says OMG you're not the prostitute I had on the billaird table in the bar in Prague are you?

No she says I'm your son's teacher

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A few years back, I set up a new business supplying spices and the like to restaurants. I thought calling the business "Taste" was rather clever.

One day a tax auditor turned up and said he was here to examine the books. I told him we don't have any as there is no accounting for Taste.

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As an experiment, my kid has been wearing a different Sydney FC shirt every day for the past two weeks. So far he's been spat on, verbally abused, punched and kicked... God know what will happen when we finally let him out of the house. 

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