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4 hours ago, Smoggy said:

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!

HAHAHA!

Didn't see that coming.

Plus, as with a lot of humour, the ridiculous incongruity is hilarious!

:lol: :lol:

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What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroout?

 

The first is a jumpy animal that lives in Australia....

The second is a Geordie stuck in a lift...

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10 years today my best friend Simon came running out shouting “it’s a boy!”

We never went back to Thailand again

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I was watching a documentary on Chernobyl with my mate.

He grew up in the Ukraine in the 80's and he said he could count at least 8 inaccuracies on one hand.

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A load of pieces of black tarmac are laughing and joking and enjoying a pint in their local when a piece of red tarmac comes in. Everything goes quiet and furtive, and the black tarmac move away from the bar and into corners as the red tarmac politely orders a bottle of whisky, a bottle of vodka and a bottle of brandy, downs them, pays, bids the barman good-day and walks out. As the noise level rises in the pub to a relieved chatter the barman asks a piece of black tarmac sitting at the bar, “ why did everything go quiet and everyone seem to get dead scared when that pleasant piece of red tarmac came in?” Black replies, “pleasant? he’s a fkin cylepath!”

 

 

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5 hours ago, Smoggy said:

A load of pieces of black tarmac are laughing and joking and enjoying a pint in their local when a piece of red tarmac comes in. Everything goes quiet and furtive, and the black tarmac move away from the bar and into corners as the red tarmac politely orders a bottle of whisky, a bottle of vodka and a bottle of brandy, downs them, pays, bids the barman good-day and walks out. As the noise level rises in the pub to a relieved chatter the barman asks a piece of black tarmac sitting at the bar, “ why did everything go quiet and everyone seem to get dead scared when that pleasant piece of red tarmac came in?” Black replies, “pleasant? he’s a fkin cylepath!”

 

That's just terrible!! :D

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5 hours ago, wendybr said:

That's just terrible!! :D

I know :D Here is one for you as this is what I would consider a Wendy joke  ;lol-

 

 

I’ve just found out “The tale of two cities” was initially serialised in two different local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times

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2 hours ago, Smoggy said:

I know :D Here is one for you as this is what I would consider a Wendy joke  ;lol-

 

 

I’ve just found out “The tale of two cities” was initially serialised in two different local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times

That's just terrible! 

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3 hours ago, Edinburgh said:

That's just terrible! 

Nah...that one's fine!

BUT chunks of red and black tarmac sitting in a pub?? :fool:

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2 hours ago, wendybr said:

Nah...that one's fine!

BUT chunks of red and black tarmac sitting in a pub?? :fool:

He was just macadaming things up for a laugh.

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1 hour ago, Edinburgh said:

He was just macadaming things up for a laugh.

I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin

 

 

 

I'll stop now :D

Edited by Smoggy

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2 hours ago, Edinburgh said:

He was just macadaming things up for a laugh.

 

1 hour ago, Smoggy said:

I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin

I'll stop now :D

Guys...there is still a pun thread you know!

 No need to stop!

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Apparently this is funny for some reason:

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.

The barman says not U2 again!

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A young woman boards an airplane and sits in a row with a woman about 10 years her senior. As the plane takes off, the older women sneezes about 8 times in rapid succession. After a 5 minute interval, this happens again, and then again.

The young woman asks the older woman if she is ok.

The older woman states she is fine, she has a medical condition where every time she sneezes she has an orgasm.

The younger woman, startled, blurted out, oh what are you taking for it???

The older woman replied "pepper"

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Did you here about the Richard III pub in England putting up a marquee with flashing lights? 

They said now was the winter of their disco tent...
 

 

ohhh **** off lol I will get my coat ......see myself out...

Edited by Smoggy

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I went for a job interview the other day.

They asked if I can perform under pressure.

I said ‘no, but I do a mean Bohemian Rhapsody’....

 

 

Edited by Smoggy

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2 hours ago, Smoggy said:

Did you here about the Richard III pub in England putting up a marquee with flashing lights? 

They said now was the winter of their disco tent...
 

 

ohhh **** off lol I will get my coat ......see myself out...

So bad it's almost good!  :lol:

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8 hours ago, wendybr said:

So bad it's almost good!  :lol:

And the winner of discontent is .......

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Smoggy, Ed, Wendy, if you ever get the chance grab a copy of "The Various Lives of keats and Chapman" by Flann O'Brien, it's the epitome of that sort of Richard III type joke. I wish I still had my copy, I'd post a few. All in the setup and then a line like that. Magnificent.

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A man took his daughter to "Take your kids to work day". As she was walking around the office she became more and more upset and then started crying.
One of the man's work colleagues bent down to ask her what was wrong? She said "Where are all the clowns that daddy says he works with?"

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Gee, hasn’t Pete Evans got himself into a shiit storm! Bet you he did Nazi this happening...

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10 hours ago, Smoggy said:

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2²

I'm not sure that counts as a joke!

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4 minutes ago, Edinburgh said:

I'm not sure that counts as a joke!

....more of a pun than a joke....:D

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5 hours ago, sonar said:

....more of a pun than a joke....:D

Pun...joke...either way it is shyte :D

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A young man comes home and is upset after his outing...

His sister notices he is out of sorts and asks why...

He replied nobody keeps their word or does what they say and i just got ripped off...

How inquired his sister...

Just went to a gender reveal party and I was the only one who got naked 

 

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Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.
"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.
"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three!"

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How many clickbait journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




The answer will shock you...

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