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On 15/01/2021 at 3:51 AM, wendybr said:

^^^Sounds like something Smoggy or Ed would come up with!  :cheeky:

 

:D:D

Better than the shyte I drag up to be fair like...oh by the way....

I went to the barbers before the latest lockdown and said, "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise."

So he put a cushion on the chair!

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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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On 20/01/2021 at 9:51 PM, Smoggy said:

A couple of Thai girls asked me if i wanted to have sex with them. “It will be like winning the lottery” they said ..............

They weren't wrong, we had six matching balls.

It's the powerball you gotta watch out for.

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The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

renderTimingPixel.png
 
 

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”

The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

“She also stole a can of peas!”

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I paid a bloke $5000 for a talking centipede. When I got it home I opened the box and said “Do you fancy going to the pub for a beer”. It didn’t answer. So I asked it again. Still no answer. Now I’m thinking "I’ve been done". So I ask , loudly, one last time “Do you fancy going to the pub for a beer ?”.
The centipede looks up and says “I heard you the first time. I’m putting my ****ing shoes on”

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The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves te needle.

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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Man walks in to a remote outback pub. All the locals go quiet and watch as he aproaches the bar and orders a drink.

"So..what do you do then?" asks the bar man suspiciously.

"I'm a taxidermist" the man replies.

"A what?" says the barman.

"I stuff and mount dead animals" the man explains.

The barman looks up and addresss the rest of the pub "Its alright lads. He's one of us".

 

 

Edited by Smoggy
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The Middlesbrough FC manager Neil Warnock flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play soccer. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over and sign for Middlesbrough .

Two weeks later they are 3-0 down with only 20 minutes left, the young Iraqi gets the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 2 goals, sets up another 2 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Boro. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in the Championship league..

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3-0 down but I scored 2 goals, set up 2 more and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, now your brother has joined a gang of drug dealers, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fault we came to fuc*in Middlesbrough in the first place!'

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Commas are important too.

E.g.

Young man, to his new girlfriend's father.

"I couldn't leave her behind alone."

What he meant was "I couldn't leave her behind, alone,"

 

PS Apologies if I've posted that once before.

PPS It's not a joke, it's a lesson on punctuation. :lol:

PPPS Nice to see a post by Jack! You've been very quiet lately!

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Hey bruce! Good to see ya!

******

I liked this one:

Scomo is doing a tour of the country in his bus. He's stopped in a particular country town for a photo op and a chat with the locals in the pub. He dons his baseball cap and gets a can of lager in hand and leads with "How good is country Australia!".

One of the locals says, "It's good, Mr Prime Minister, but we've got 2 big issues in this town."

"What are they?" says our intrepid leader.

"Well, firstly, our community hub building down at the oval was completely destroyed last summer in the fires and we haven't been able to replace it," says the local.

Scomo says "Don't say another word, mate, I'll call Bridget" and pulls out his phone. "Wait a second", he says, "it's that other bloke now isn't it. Hang on, won't be a mo,". After a jovial chat with his minister he hangs up the call and, grinning, says "All sorted! We'll have a crew out here within the week. Now, what's the second issue?"

The local raises an eyebrow and says, "Well, there's **** all mobile coverage..... "

 

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On 17/02/2021 at 12:44 PM, JackDoff said:

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

 

On 17/02/2021 at 6:26 PM, wendybr said:

Commas are important too.

E.g.

Young man, to his new girlfriend's father.

"I couldn't leave her behind alone."

What he meant was "I couldn't leave her behind, alone,"

 

PS Apologies if I've posted that once before.

PPS It's not a joke, it's a lesson on punctuation. :lol:

PPPS Nice to see a post by Jack! You've been very quiet lately!

OR

Capital Letters are the difference between

Helping your uncle Jack off a horse

Helping your uncle jack off a horse

 

 

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2 hours ago, Midfielder said:

 

OR

Capital Letters are the difference between

Helping your uncle Jack off a horse

Helping your uncle jack off a horse

 

 

How to get boys interested in leaning English. If my English teachers used just an ounce of humour perhaps I would have not been a delinquent in class...unlikely...but you never know..

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2 hours ago, Smoggy said:

How to get boys interested in leaning English. If my English teachers used just an ounce of humour perhaps I would have not been a delinquent in class...unlikely...but you never know..

Yes we do!

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