Jokes

[Smoggy]

BREAKING NEWS: Boris Johnson has just announced that everyone who was alive the last time Newcastle won a trophy has now been vaccinated.

[Edinburgh]

10 hours ago, Smoggy said:

BREAKING NEWS: Boris Johnson has just announced that everyone who was alive the last time Newcastle won a trophy has now been vaccinated.

I was. I haven't. 

[Smoggy]

Man goes to see the nurse.

She says "what can I help you with?"

He says "I need to take my pants off to show you but you have to promise not to laugh"

"I'm a professional, I can assure I won't laugh" she replies.

He takes off his pants to reveal the smallest penis she's ever seen. It's the size of a bookie's pencil.

The nurse spends 10 minutes laughing her head off and eventually pulls herself together.

"I'm really sorry about that" she says "I promise you on my word as a nurse and a woman I won't laugh again. Now what seems to be the problem?".

The man replies......"it's swollen".

[JackDoff]

Went to the local RSL for a 60’s 70’s 80’s night . They played “The Twist” so I twisted , they played “Jump” so I jumped around. They played “Come on Eileen “ and I got kicked out....

[wendybr]

^^ Ohhhhhhh.

 

I mean...

[Midfielder]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple,

"But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer

[JackDoff]

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

[MartinTyler]

28 minutes ago, JackDoff said:

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Must have been that time you were out on loan 

[JackDoff]

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

[Smoggy]

[Smoggy]

WOMAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 February

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else....


MAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 February

Boro lost again, gutted.

Got a shag though.

[Smoggy]

Police knocked on my door and said they were looking for a man with one eye.... I said they should use two they'll find him quicker.

[Midfielder]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $7,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring but its $140,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque.

"I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

I know", said the old man,

"but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

[Davo]

I just bought an amazing pen that can write underwater.

It can write lots of other words too.

[marron]

That got a look of crushing disappointment at life in general from my daughter.

[Smoggy]

24 minutes ago, marron said:

That got a look of crushing disappointment at life in general from my daughter.

That’s what dad jokes are for.

[JackDoff]

 

[Smoggy]

5 minutes ago, JackDoff said:

 

Man, Ed is going to hunt you down and kill you for that one...

[Edinburgh]

1 minute ago, Smoggy said:

Man, Ed is going to hunt you down and kill you for that one...

Thanks mate, good idea. That saves me from considering the options.

[Smoggy]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
" You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

" Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

" It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done F*** all but moan since you've been here."

[Ossified]

An RAF Squadron leader visits a Convent for a Battle of Britain talk to the girls.

He recalls to the girls of being out over the Channel on a mission when all of a sudden he said "2 Fokker's appeared from the clouds" and he had to take evasive action when from behind he said "another Fokker appeared" , the girls all started to giggle. At this point the Mother superior interrupted and said that "a Fokker was a type of German fighter plane", the Squadron Leader then said " that's true Mother Superior, however these Fokker's were Messerschmitt's.