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Mental Health Thread 2

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1 hour ago, Carns said:

It’s been quite the emotional rollercoaster of a year for me.

It’ll be an interesting 12 months ahead!

Hey Carns!

It's so good to see you sharing your rather turbulent thoughts and feelings here. I'd heard a whisper about your joyful news, and had also heard of your very sad news. So now that you have shared both here, it's good to be able to offer both congratulations and condolences! 

The wisdom, insights, commitment and your willingness to open up your deepest concerns in the post above, gives me every confidence that you will make a brilliant dad to your little son (who won't stay a little son for long - and then you'll have the insights and commitment to grow into your role of a dad, as that keeps on evolving).

This "roller coaster" of a year, sadly, mirrors the roller coaster that is life, really. You've encountered elements of the roller coaster relatively early - losing your dad in your 20s, and now a close mate. With a child, you're likely to be on somewhat of a super charged roller coaster for the rest of your life. Hopefully, you'll be on a slow ascent for a very long time, but there'll be another person to look out for, and that will bring inevitable ups and downs.

As you say in your post, what you have gone through recently is definitely "character building", and you rightly recognise that " all you can do is... pick yourself up, and dust yourself off to face the next challenge that comes your way." 

Re the job - if you have the support of your boss and your colleagues, well... that says a lot, and should count for a lot in your mind, even if your confidence has been shaken. I'm sure you'll make the right decision, but it seems sensible to maybe let the dust settle, and not rush into anything.

You take care of yourself and the others in your expanding family! :grouphug:

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Just now, Erimus said:

Carns i can relate so much! I cant respond with much of a post right now, but will cone back later :)

Still getting through your English breakfast? :xnod:

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, wendybr said:

Still getting through your English breakfast? :xnod:

No...im on the indigestion tablets after it...

Edited by Erimus

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2 minutes ago, Erimus said:

No...im on the indigestion tablets after it...

I'm not surprised! :lol:

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Carns, congratulations and condolences. 

If what I've seen from you on this forum is anything to go by, and there's enough evidence from my knowledge of other forumites to be sure it is, you'll be a wonderful father.

I'm well past fathering anyone these days and more than content with where I am. But if, through some strange set of circumstances I was 30 odd again, with the knowledge and memories I have now, and had the choice of doing it all again I wouldn't hesitate. The disturbed nights with my first son, and carrying him, and singing** to him to calm him down are a memory I treasure and recall with pride without a hint of regret. Of course there are so many more memories big and small, good and bad, that span the following 30 odd years of life and parenthood, confidence and anxiety, success and failure, decisions good and bad etc etc. There's bugger all I'd change. 

You should look forward to what is ahead of you with confidence and excitement, and the knowledge and belief that you will more than cope with what lies in wait.

 

** A liberal and fancifull description of what occurred. 

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Yep congratulations Carns.

It's daunting, but backing yourself and being consistent with your own ideas about what needs to happen is the best way to go I think.

You've managed with everthing else - you can manage with what's ahead.

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Being hypocritical considering my line of argument on the Int Politics Thread, because this is probably one of the early films depicting a number of the men (at least in part)  as limited and a bit stupid....and the women generally being wise.

But today's posts here reminded me of this scene in a feel good film about life...and parenthood. Most would know it I guess.

Something good to come out of Hollywood....a bit sugary... but still...

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"A bit sugary" heh.

(But yes, it's pretty spot on for all of that).

 

I watched another film this week about parenthood touching on mental health- Captain Fantastic.

I only bring it up in the context of  - knowing what is "right" is hard. And you can tie yourself in knots about it. But - kids have been born and raised for thousands of years.... trust those instincts, trust yourself, and don't worry about what other people tell you you should or or shouldn't be doing.

 

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11 minutes ago, marron said:

"A bit sugary" heh.

(But yes, it's pretty spot on for all of that).

 

I watched another film this week about parenthood touching on mental health- Captain Fantastic.

I only bring it up in the context of  - knowing what is "right" is hard. And you can tie yourself in knots about it. But - kids have been born and raised for thousands of years.... trust those instincts, trust yourself, and don't worry about what other people tell you you should or or shouldn't be doing.

 

If only it was that simple.

Those who "instinctively" neglect, shame or beat their children because they don't know any better (or can't help themselves for whatever reason)  are likely to raise children who will be considered "a problem" at some stage. Showing your children love and affection is likely to achieve the opposite. Infant research is very clear about that.

The pubic debate is still about "nature vs nurture" while infant researchers have moved on to a position of "nature needs nurture".  An over-emphasis on genetics, heredity, biology is misguided, but tell that the middle aged male concrete milkshake believers that dominate our parliaments.

We'll be living in the dark ages for quite some time.  But being able to read helps.

https://www.amazon.com/Infant-Research-Adult-Treatment-Beatrice/dp/0881634476/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=frank+lachmann&qid=1564819889&s=gateway&sr=8-1

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2 minutes ago, FCB said:

If only it was that simple.

Those who "instinctively" neglect, shame or beat their children because they don't know any better (or can't help themselves for whatever reason)  are likely to raise children who will be considered "a problem" at some stage. 

Yeah...but Marron was addressing that to Carns!

Just saying! :D

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Yep absolutely. I don't "know" carns but I know enough. 

Also, I meant it in the context of what often happens to new parents - they are swamped with info and with people telling them how to do it. "Oh the baby isn't sleeping?  You must be doing something wrong . Do this. It didnt work? You're doing it wrong. Or there's something wrong with the baby " etc etc. It can easily be anxiety inducing. So I was trying to say, hey, it doesn't have to be complicated.  The kid will have their own deal, you'll have your own deal, no-one else will get it, but it will be fine. 

And 100%  about love and affection. Thst isn't always instinctual and that's fair to point out. 

 

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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, Carns said:

It’s been quite the emotional rollercoaster of a year for me.

I have always suffered from anxiety in one form or another. Be it social anxiety, making me reluctant and withdrawn in unfamiliar social situations, to general anxiety making me question everything I think, say or do in social and professional situations.

My partner of 9.5 years and I found out in March that we were expecting our first child (baby boy, due end of Oct). It is something that was planned and hoped for. And we’re very excited about, and lucky we have successfully conceived without hurdles. The pregnancy itself has been relatively smooth sailing so far too (touch wood).

Literally within days of finding out we were preggers, one of my best mates of the last twenty years died suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a complete shock, particularly for a relatively healthy guy in his early thirties. It was most likely death by misadventure, he’d had a night out drinking and partying with friends, went to bed and never woke up again. Absolutely devastating for all his friends and family. Everyone is still reeling from it and it will take a long time to recover (if we ever fully do).

A month or two after that news, whilst still definitely grieving, I had a crisis at work where something I was involved in got escalated where it ended up in a court scenario, and the work I had done was completely torn to shreds by someone who had vastly more experience in my field than I did.

I had a massive crisis of confidence where I questioned everything. I even questioned whether I really wanted to continue in my chosen work path. Considering the number of hours and literally years I had put in to my chosen career, studying and building experience, it rocked me to my foundations.

I am still a bit unsure whether I want to pursue my career long term, the last six months has really made me question whether I really want to continue on. I have the support of my boss and colleagues, but I can’t help questioning everything and whether it is what I really want.

In my personal life, the missus keeps growing, and we’re now six months in. We’re over the moon expecting our first child, and life in general looks positive. But it doesn’t change all the **** that we’ve been through, and the uncertainty and crisis that I have put myself through.

It is definitely character building, and I will come out the other side better for it, but to go through this whole experience has fundamentally changed my mindset and world view.

Life has a way of knocking you down at times. And all you can do is try and pick yourself up, and dust yourself off to face the next challenge that comes your way.

Thing is, I have so much to look forward to. The love of my life is about to give birth to my first child. Being a baby boy has an even greater significance since I lost my Dad just under four years ago. I am acutely aware that I will be a father to a new generation. I am a father to a son. My father and I had a strained relationship at times, so I really don’t want to **** this up. I feel an acute pressure to be present, engaged and open to whatever challenges come my way (and they will be numerous and all encompassing).

The new challenge is about to begin, and I (we) wait to see what comes of it.

I would much prefer to be able to celebrate our new adventure with my mate, but I can’t. And all I can do is best prepare myself for my future as a new dad, as best as I can. All I can do is ready myself for the birth of my son and prepare my world for his introduction to it. It’ll be tough, and I am not looking forward to the sleep deprivation!

But hey, life goes on. As much as we want life to stay static at times, it does not work that way. All we can do is prepare ourselves as best as possible and wear whatever comes.

It’ll be an interesting 12 months ahead!

Hey Carns.

I really struggle to communicate my thoughts via posts on WSF, I don't have much self confidence in what I post to be honest and in my view I make little sense, it all seems to come out jumbled up and I never seem to get at what I want to say properly,a  bit like in real life lol But here goes, I will give it a go....

I don't post much in this thread these days, but you might be aware that I suffer from anxiety issues also, similar to what you have describe above which has impacted on my life in every aspect since very young.

You really have experienced the best and worst recently with the news that a baby is on the way and then tragically losing your friend, that must have been very hard to deal with in such circumstances.

We faced a bit of a work crisis at around the time we learned my wife was pregnant. In 2006 I was living in Leeds in the UK and in Nov 2006 I was made redundant at very short notice. It was only a very small family run company and no HR department or payout, I was just out the door with my desk items within a few days. We had just bought our first house around 4 months earlier with a BIG mortgage.  I managed to pick up some casual office work but was only pay as you work, if you weren't called in for a project you weren't paid, and it was quiet.

In December my wife falls pregnant, not planned, but of course very happy, if a little concerned about the work issue, but the wife still had a full time job. Then in March my wife was made redundant from her job. I had no casual work at that time and panicking like mad and desperately trying to find a permanent or even fixed term job. Not much in the way of savings and  we start to wonder how bills will be paid, wife very worried and I felt like I was letting her down. Thankfully in May I managed to get a permanent job, saved phew!

My son was born September 2007, best day of my life by a mile, held him in my arms, gave him his first bottle, will never forget that. The long nights trying to get him to sleep and walking him endlessly around the block as that seemed to settle him. I have read to him every night since he was born, he is 12 next month and I STILL read with him every night, he gets upset if I don't :D He also still has his bears from when he was a baby around his room, but would never admit that outside of our unit :D 

There have been lots of ups and downs of course, especially in relation to my health over the last year or two. I had a MAJOR crisis last year that I thought I would never recover from. I managed to dig in and somehow come out the other side, I don't think I would have got through that without Wendy's support and words around that time, something I will be forever grateful for :) She said I would get through it all, even Wendy is right sometimes :P

You lose your way every now and then, but find your way back, and having a kid certainly focuses the mind. Raising a kid is bloody hard work, sometimes we get it wrong of course, we all do, but is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me and so thankful I have my son, we are so so close and you will have that relationship also.

Exciting times right now and in the future. All you can do is prepare for the arrival, be there for your partner, and remember your friend the way you want to.

Wishing you all the best, and apologies for the ramble ...

 

Edited by Erimus

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Posted (edited)

Erimus, you might think you struggle to communicate but really you are so articulate. :)

 

And I think Wendy is amazing too! :xnod:

Edited by Cynth

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PS Thanks for your kind words Smoggy and Cynth - but I actually think that we are an amazing little community - and when the chips are down for one or other of us, we bring out the best in each other.

I have no idea how other on-line forums work, including other football forums - but I 'm sure we are lucky to have the people we do in this one.  :good:

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Congratulations on the good news Carns, make sure you bring him up as Wanderer and a Evertonian

youve certainly had a tough year, make sure you look after yourself and her indoors. 

Bringing up a little boy is ace

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2 hours ago, wendybr said:

PS Thanks for your kind words Smoggy and Cynth - but I actually think that we are an amazing little community - and when the chips are down for one or other of us, we bring out the best in each other.

I have no idea how other on-line forums work, including other football forums - but I 'm sure we are lucky to have the people we do in this one.  :good:

I was thinking earlier to post a similar sentiment but the battery was low on this machine. The draft in my head wasn't quite so eloquent!

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Stuff it! Here goes:

Okay you bunch of bastards, boofheads, bitches and bimbos,  you should all be proud of yourselves for all the bullshit, bollocks and banter you come up with to backup each other during bad times.

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21 minutes ago, Edinburgh said:

Stuff it! Here goes:

Okay you bunch of bastards, boofheads, bitches and bimbos,  you should all be proud of yourselves for all the bullshit, bollocks and banter you come up with to backup each other during bad times.

What did you mean your words weren't eloquent! :lol:

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9 hours ago, Edinburgh said:

Stuff it! Here goes:

Okay you bunch of bastards, boofheads, bitches and bimbos,  you should all be proud of yourselves for all the bullshit, bollocks and banter you come up with to backup each other during bad times.

Awwww....Ed, that’s so sweet...:lol:

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23 hours ago, Carns said:

It’s been quite the emotional rollercoaster of a year for me.

I have always suffered from anxiety in one form or another. Be it social anxiety, making me reluctant and withdrawn in unfamiliar social situations, to general anxiety making me question everything I think, say or do in social and professional situations.

My partner of 9.5 years and I found out in March that we were expecting our first child (baby boy, due end of Oct). It is something that was planned and hoped for. And we’re very excited about, and lucky we have successfully conceived without hurdles. The pregnancy itself has been relatively smooth sailing so far too (touch wood).

Literally within days of finding out we were preggers, one of my best mates of the last twenty years died suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a complete shock, particularly for a relatively healthy guy in his early thirties. It was most likely death by misadventure, he’d had a night out drinking and partying with friends, went to bed and never woke up again. Absolutely devastating for all his friends and family. Everyone is still reeling from it and it will take a long time to recover (if we ever fully do).

A month or two after that news, whilst still definitely grieving, I had a crisis at work where something I was involved in got escalated where it ended up in a court scenario, and the work I had done was completely torn to shreds by someone who had vastly more experience in my field than I did.

I had a massive crisis of confidence where I questioned everything. I even questioned whether I really wanted to continue in my chosen work path. Considering the number of hours and literally years I had put in to my chosen career, studying and building experience, it rocked me to my foundations.

I am still a bit unsure whether I want to pursue my career long term, the last six months has really made me question whether I really want to continue on. I have the support of my boss and colleagues, but I can’t help questioning everything and whether it is what I really want.

In my personal life, the missus keeps growing, and we’re now six months in. We’re over the moon expecting our first child, and life in general looks positive. But it doesn’t change all the **** that we’ve been through, and the uncertainty and crisis that I have put myself through.

It is definitely character building, and I will come out the other side better for it, but to go through this whole experience has fundamentally changed my mindset and world view.

Life has a way of knocking you down at times. And all you can do is try and pick yourself up, and dust yourself off to face the next challenge that comes your way.

Thing is, I have so much to look forward to. The love of my life is about to give birth to my first child. Being a baby boy has an even greater significance since I lost my Dad just under four years ago. I am acutely aware that I will be a father to a new generation. I am a father to a son. My father and I had a strained relationship at times, so I really don’t want to **** this up. I feel an acute pressure to be present, engaged and open to whatever challenges come my way (and they will be numerous and all encompassing).

The new challenge is about to begin, and I (we) wait to see what comes of it.

I would much prefer to be able to celebrate our new adventure with my mate, but I can’t. And all I can do is best prepare myself for my future as a new dad, as best as I can. All I can do is ready myself for the birth of my son and prepare my world for his introduction to it. It’ll be tough, and I am not looking forward to the sleep deprivation!

But hey, life goes on. As much as we want life to stay static at times, it does not work that way. All we can do is prepare ourselves as best as possible and wear whatever comes.

It’ll be an interesting 12 months ahead!

congratulations, i doubt its going to help but even the best of us make mistakes so while that does sound like a horrible experience and you might enjoy going a different direction just try to not beat up yourself too much

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@Carnsthanks for sharing & you really have gone through the roller coaster of emotions.

I have tried to think of something to say but I can’t even imagine how to process it all if I was in a similar situation. I can see despite the lows & hard times you’ve come through the other side hopefully stronger. Helps now that you can put your time & energy into this new phase.

Congratulations on the big news, another Wanderer on the way! A truly amazing experience, one you can’t prepare. Just savor those sleep ins while you can :lol:

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@Carns

What a rollercoaster! Hope you get some mild, nondescript, non-dramatic days ahead. And get time to give yourself and your partner a breather

Having lost my mum a few years ago, it did feel raw for quite a while but i can say that it does get easier.  Losing a close friend as well. That must hurt and sorry its come your way.

But hey, bubs on the way and that will most likely consume your time and thoughts. And allow some space to heal

Wishing you the best :grouphug:

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Erimus, Carns, Goat,

I am not trained in anything outside business, accounting & tax....but I read widely ....and share if you want to read past this point, what I  recall some years back reading about an Italian study into anxiety.

Essentially what it said was excise and being involved in a sport in a team environment turned around lots of lives... there is something to do with excise and how the chemicals in your body react and put that into a structure and mostly a caring structure according to this study was   hugely beneficial.

The sport was Football coming from Italy but the article indicated any sport.

My personal experience when I played in the over 35's for 31 odd years and may go back to the over 45's this year, is many people get a lot off there chest after a game, standing or sitting around having a couple of beers... and I was always amazed when a team felt a player was struggling how those around simply tried to help...

As new parents, especially as the Dad its quite hard and if you are in say an over 35 team with other Dads tis amazing how shared experiences and words to the wise  help a lot...

 

 

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On 15/08/2019 at 4:18 PM, Midfielder said:

Erimus, Carns, Goat,

I am not trained in anything outside business, accounting & tax....but I read widely ....and share if you want to read past this point, what I  recall some years back reading about an Italian study into anxiety.

Essentially what it said was excise and being involved in a sport in a team environment turned around lots of lives... there is something to do with excise and how the chemicals in your body react and put that into a structure and mostly a caring structure according to this study was   hugely beneficial.

The sport was Football coming from Italy but the article indicated any sport.

My personal experience when I played in the over 35's for 31 odd years and may go back to the over 45's this year, is many people get a lot off there chest after a game, standing or sitting around having a couple of beers... and I was always amazed when a team felt a player was struggling how those around simply tried to help...

As new parents, especially as the Dad its quite hard and if you are in say an over 35 team with other Dads tis amazing how shared experiences and words to the wise  help a lot...

 

 

do orgy's count as team sports? because that would be a sport i would very much like to be involved in

 

seriously though thank you i should honestly do some more team sports, its not the most physical but i used to do lawn bowls and it was very fun(and it is a team sport), i currently do go karting which is not very team based but i'll try to get involved in team stuff next year, right now i am more focused on trying to make and keep friends i know i am not the most easy person to get along with hence why i have no friends but i also know i have improved and i can improve more

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laymans guess would be that you have two things going on there, with involvement in team sport

physical exercise

socialising

both of which are important for mental health.

Team sport just happens to combine the two so it's like killing two birds with one stone.

 

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