Jokes

[Smoggy]

Jesus goes to a restaurant and asks if he can book a table for 26.
The waiter says 'but there's only 13 of you.'
Jesus says 'yeah but we're all going to sit down one side.'

[Edinburgh]

14 hours ago, Smoggy said:

How many clickbait journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The answer will shock you...

Yeah, but not as much as the question did ...

[Davo]

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

 

 

 

They get really mad.

[Kitto]

The other day a clown held open a door for me.

 

I thought it was a nice jester.

[JackDoff]

A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" , the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

[marron]

love that one.

[wendybr]

Not a joke...but one to make all the cat haters here laugh!

 

https://9gag.com/gag/aYyXW0q?ref=9g.wsa.mw

[JackDoff]

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hispanic attacks!

[Smoggy]

6 hours ago, JackDoff said:

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hispanic attacks!

That's funny.......

Just got back from the shops, saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 Paella's and 3 Sombrero's.

I thought "Hispanic buying"

[Smoggy]

I have a statistics joke, but the average person would think it’s mean.

[JackDoff]

A man won the lottery one day. He came home and asked his wife, "What would you do if I were to win the lottery?"

She answered, "I'd take half and leave!"

The man replied, "Great. I just won 12 dollars. Here's 6. Now get the **** out!"

[Kitto]

I quit my job as a weightlifter because I wasn't strong enough.

 

I handed in my two weak notice yesterday.

[Midfielder]

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " F******, F***,****,F***" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen F***ing the turkey.

Edited December 4, 2020 by Midfielder

[JackDoff]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in 3 minutes?!

[JackDoff]

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"

Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

[JackDoff]

A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she'

I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'

He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'

I replied 'no, she's an optician'

[Edinburgh]

I had to remove several posts from the front yard of the house across the road. I was worried they would cause a fence.

Edited December 9, 2020 by Edinburgh

[JackDoff]

In Sweden the CEO of IKEA was just elected president.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

[Smoggy]

 A man goes to buy a car and the salesman shows him a big SUV. The customer asks "Cargo space?" the salesman replies "No, car go road."

[Smoggy]

Went into the chemist and asked an assistant "What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said "Ammonia cleaner"

I said "I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"

[JackDoff]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Edinburgh]

9 minutes ago, JackDoff said:

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I saw that punch line coming about a week ago!

[JackDoff]

Just now, Edinburgh said:

I saw that punch line coming about a week ago!

YOU were the elderly man!  

[Edinburgh]

Just now, JackDoff said:

YOU were the elderly man!  

But I don't smoke!

[Edinburgh]

A monk opened a tub of margarine and was amazed to see what looked like an image of Jesus, and exclaimed "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

[Edinburgh]

Two police knocked on the door this morning. I answered. They asked how many visitors I have. I told them 10. We'd like to come in and check they said. I refused them entry because otherwise that would make 12 visitors.

[Edinburgh]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Kitto]

There is only one man in the world who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not die.

 

Jerry can.

[Smoggy]

I got bored and changed all of the wrappers around on the left over sweets in the box of celebrations.

The wifes not happy, really got he Snickers in a Twix.

[Smoggy]

Just been to the doctors, he thinks I am paranoid.

He didn't actually say that but I know what the ****er was thinking..