Jokes

[JackDoff]

I tried donating blood today , never again! Too many stupid questions  “Who’s blood is it ?”  “ Where did you get it from?”   “ Why is it in a bucket? “ 

[Edinburgh]

27 minutes ago, JackDoff said:

I tried donating blood today , never again! Too many stupid questions  “Who’s blood is it ?”  “ Where did you get it from?”   “ Why is it in a bucket? “ 

Bloody hell!

[SomeGuy1977]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I’d calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.

He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.

A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"‘What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…!"

[Kitto]

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 

[Midfielder]

I can not tell a lie “George Washington “

I can not tell the truth “Donald Trump “

I can not tell the difference “Trump supporters “

[Kitto]

What do sprinters eat before a race? 

 

Nothing because they fast. 

[Kitto]

The next person to ask me for a mixture of fruit juice, lemonade and wine is going to get a punch. 

[JackDoff]

The woman from the furniture store keeps calling me!  All I wanted was the one night stand!

[Kitto]

In the recent storms a quarter of my roof blew away. 

Oof. 

[mack]

R.

[sonar]

2 minutes ago, mack said:

R.

Channelling you inner pirate..?

[Edinburgh]

3 hours ago, mack said:

R.

O

[sonar]

20 minutes ago, Edinburgh said:

O

I

[wendybr]

33 minutes ago, Edinburgh said:

O

O

[marron]

Yeah, justine clark WAS great in home and away.

[Edinburgh]

12 hours ago, mack said:

R.

 

9 hours ago, Edinburgh said:

O

 

8 hours ago, wendybr said:

O

F ..........

[Edinburgh]

Och, women! I cannae work ma wife oot.

First she says "Aye, fine. Have a tattoo if ye waant."

And noo she's complainin' aboot aw the pipers in the garden!

[Edinburgh]

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

The same middle name!

 

Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself?

It was two tyred.

 

Never criticise anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way you get to criticise them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

Sorry, just a few dad jokes on dad day.

[JackDoff]

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know...

Happy Fathers Day! 

[Kitto]

I bought a horse and named it Mayo. 

 

Sometimes, Mayo neighs. 

[sonar]

41 minutes ago, Kitto said:

I bought a horse and named it Mayo. 

 

Sometimes, Mayo neighs. 

Is that the same horse that got a hit on the head by a ducthman...mayo neighs got hollandazed......

[SomeGuy1977]

Dude 1: Hey bro

Dude 2: Yeah bro?

Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Dude 2: Brochure 

[JackDoff]

Mike Tyson is a religious guy.

He punches people in the faith.

[Edinburgh]

Two cannibals are sharing a meal. They agree one starts at the head and the at the feet.

They're about halfway through and one asks the other "How are you going?" He gets the answer "I'm having a ball!"

YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!

[Kitto]

When you turn 100 years of age, you get a letter from the Queen. 

When you turn 14, you get a text from Prince Andrew. 

[JackDoff]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village. One says, "I've never come this way before." The other replies, "Me neither, it must be the cobblestone."

[Smoggy]

I went to a fertility clinic and the girl behind the counter asked me that as part of the treatment would I be ok masturbating in a cup.

I said I would prefer to start in a little league before taking on the pressure of a knockout tournament..

Edited October 15, 2020 by Smoggy

[Smoggy]

I was watching a B'oro v Leeds game in the pub. Sat next to me was a fella with a dog.

When Leeds scored the dog growled and barked at the telly. The fella said he always does that when the opposition score.

I said what does he do when the B'oro score?

He replied:  'I don't know, I have only had him 6 months'..

Edited October 15, 2020 by Smoggy

[Smoggy]

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a Blood Donor clinic.

The rabbit says 'I might be a type o'

[Smoggy]

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!