Jokes

[marron]

On 01/09/2021 at 10:11 PM, Smoggy said:

I once went bird watching with Sinead O Connor. She was in charge of making a list of the birds we had seen. I asked ‘hey, Sinead what have we seen today’, she said ‘it’s been 7 Owls and 15 Jays.

Oh yeah, she's a real birdwatcher is Sinead. She likes playing identification games, she's really good at that. Once I gave her just a couple of clues and thought she'd never get it, but straight away she answered "No wings, come in pairs - emu".

[pseudonym]

Q: Why did the Swedish Navy start painting barcodes onto the sides of their battleships?

A: So they could Scandinavian

[Edinburgh]

I had to drive to the shops today. Essential purpose obviously. 

On the way there I was pulled over by the police.

I had to produce my driver's licence.  The copper asks "What's your date of birth?"

"4th of October" says I.

"What year?" Says the occifer.

"Well duh! Every bloody year!" I says.

[Edinburgh]

Wally is excited as he starts his new job at the zoo.

He is given 3 jobs for his first day.

He starts with cleaning the exotic fish tank, removing the weeds etc. But a large fish leaps out of the water and bites Wally.  Shocked and angry He lashes out with his shovel and kills the fish.  Obviously worried about the repercussions,  Wally decides to dispose of the fish in the lions' enclosure, as they eat anything don't they.

Wally moves on to task two,  cleaning the Chimp enclosure.  Again, he suffers from an attack as the chimps assault him, including throwing coconuts at him.  Wally again reacts by wielding his shovel, killing two chimps.  Wally is in panic mode, what to do?  It seemed to work last time so he throws the carcasses into the lions' den.  After all they eat anything. 

Trying to calm down, Wally moves on to clean up the hive and surrounds of the Southern Bees.  Yet again he is attacked by the creatures he is trying to look after.  And once more Wally wields his shovel to deadly effect and smashes the bees to pulp. Once more he decides to try to conceal his violent reaction by dumping the dead bees in the lions compound.  After all they eat anything don't they. 

Later that day a new lion at the zoo is released into the lion compound.  The new lion's first thought is what's the food like here and asks another lion. 

It's great!  Today we had fish and chimps and mushy bees!

Edited September 28, 2021 by Edinburgh

[Smoggy]

I said to my wife in bed last night, “do you have to scratch while we’re having sex”…

She said “Shhhhhh ! I think I’ve won a tenner”

[Smoggy]

A man walks in to a bar sits down and places a large bag on the floor. He opens the bag and out walks a little man no bigger than a foot tall. He heads towards the pub piano, climbs up on to the piano stool and starts playing classical music.

The bar man asked the customer “what’s going on here mate? Where did you get that little fellow”?

The customer says “there is a genie outside your door, he gave him to me. If you hurry you might be able to catch him”.

The barman runs out of the pub to find the genie. A minute later there is a hell of a commotion and thousands of ducks quacking all over the street.

The barman runs back in to the pub and says “you didn’t tell me he was a bit deaf. I asked for a million bucks not ducks.

The customer says “ you don’t think I asked for a 12” pianist do you”?

[marron]

A classic.

Quote

Marge: Krusty, say something funny!
Krusty: Uh, gee, a joke, uuhummeh ah funny, okay, this guy walks into a bar, he takes out a tiny piano, and a twelve inch pianist, oh, no, wait, I can't tell that one!

 

[Midfielder]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the Taronga Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the Taronga Zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[Smoggy]

5 hours ago, Midfielder said:

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the Taronga Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the Taronga Zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

That's sexist that is..

[Davo]

I've been taking Ivermectin to treat my sore throat.

My doctor said I should only take it if I'm a little horse.

[Smoggy]

Why should you never wear Ukrainian underwear?

 

Because Chernobyl fallout.

Edited October 19, 2021 by Smoggy

[Kitto]

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

 

It suffered from withdrawals. 

[Kitto]

I can't find my 'Gone In 60 Seconds' DVD.

 

It was here a minute ago.

[Neverbloom]

To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.

[Kitto]

I just spent $200 on a belt that doesn't fit.

A huge waist!

[Smoggy]

It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets of the tribe. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.  Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the Weather Network again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes”, the man at the weather service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.” The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting a ****load of firewood!”

[Smoggy]

I got a phone call from my doctor this morning to tell me he had some bad news and even worse news. I said, don't sugar coat it give it to me straight, what's the bad news. The doc says you only have 24 hours to live. I said jeez what's the really bad news. The doctor said, I was supposed to call you yesterday.

[Wobblies]

Stolen joke...

ScoMo is visiting a small country town and meets the mayor

ScoMo: Tell me, are there any major problems that you have? I am here for you. I will solve those problems.

Mayor: Yes, Mr Morrison, we have two major problem.

ScoMo: What are they? I will fix them.

Mayor: Well, first of all, we have hospital with no doctors.

ScoMo: Just one moment.

He grabs his mobile phone, walks away and talks intently into the phone. He returns.

ScoMo: Problem solved, I have sorted it all out. You will have your doctors by next Monday at the latest. Now what is your second problem?

Mayor: We have no mobile phone reception.

[Smoggy]

5 hours ago, Wobblies said:

Stolen joke...

ScoMo is visiting a small country town and meets the mayor

ScoMo: Tell me, are there any major problems that you have? I am here for you. I will solve those problems.

Mayor: Yes, Mr Morrison, we have two major problem.

ScoMo: What are they? I will fix them.

Mayor: Well, first of all, we have hospital with no doctors.

ScoMo: Just one moment.

He grabs his mobile phone, walks away and talks intently into the phone. He returns.

ScoMo: Problem solved, I have sorted it all out. You will have your doctors by next Monday at the latest. Now what is your second problem?

Mayor: We have no mobile phone reception.

That's real life with ScoMo, not a joke lol I could so imagine that really happening..

[mack]

Fake. Scomo doesn't hold a phone.

[marron]

Oldie

A man and his wife are having dinner and the wife says out, of nowhere, "Would you get married again if I died?"

The man says, instinctively, "Of course not."

She presses him, saying he can be honest, it's fine. She'd hate the idea of him being unhappy all alone.

Suspecting a trap, the man still insists he wouldn't remarry. But the wife is persistent. She assures him she wouldn't mind if he did, and in fact, she'd really like to know that he would remarry, so that he'd have someone to keep him company in old age, so that he wouldn't be lonely.

"Well," he says, "I suppose I might, then, I guess."

She nods approvingly. After a little while she asks "Would you sell the house?"

Taken off guard, the man replies that, no, he doesn't think he would.

"What about the bed? Would you keep our bed? Would she sleep in it?"

Puzzled, the man says, "I suppose so.... there wouldn't be any real reason to get rid of it would there?"

"And my golf clubs? Would she use my golf clubs?"

"Well no", says the man, "she's left handed."

[Smoggy]

.

 

Edited November 16, 2021 by Smoggy

[Edinburgh]

21 hours ago, Smoggy said:

.

 

Is that a left handed or right handed full stop?

[Smoggy]

The godfather’s bookkeeper, cheated him out of $10,000,000. The bookeeper Guido was deaf and dumb and that is the reason he got the job, the godfather assumed he would hear nothing so he could never testify in court.

When the godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the money is”

The lawyer using sign language asks Guido “Where’s the money”

Guido signs back “I don’t know what you are talking about”

The lawyer tells the godfather “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”

The godfather pulls out a pistol and puts to Guido’s head and says “Ask him again where the money is or I will kill him”

The lawyer signs to Guido “He will kill you if you don’t tell him”

Guido trembles and signs “OK you win, the money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house”

The godfather asks the lawyer “What did he say”

The lawyer replied “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger”

[Smoggy]

[Smoggy]

I’ve been offered 8 venison legs for $400, do you think it’s two dear?

[Smoggy]

20 hours ago, Smoggy said:

I’ve been offered 8 venison legs for $400, do you think it’s two dear?

It’s a lot of doe I guess…

[Smoggy]

4 minutes ago, Smoggy said:

It’s a lot of doe I guess…

Not much bang for your buck…..

[Edinburgh]

On 17/11/2021 at 9:58 PM, Smoggy said:

I’ve been offered 8 venison legs for $400, do you think it’s two dear?

 

3 hours ago, Smoggy said:

It’s a lot of doe I guess…

 

3 hours ago, Smoggy said:

Not much bang for your buck…..

Pardon me while I horn in here.

Deer, deer, they are dreadful puns.

[sonar]

5 minutes ago, Edinburgh said:

 

 

Pardon me while I horn in here.

Deer, deer, they are dreadful puns.

Yep. I wasn't fawning over them.