Jokes

[wendybr]

On 11/06/2022 at 9:26 PM, Smoggy said:

I read somewhere that WD40 is good for keeping mice out of the garden.

It hasn't worked so far, but they have stopped squeaking.

 Oh...that's terrible! 

 

 

[marron]

Mice of you to drop by Wendy.

[Midfielder]

You need to understand this the history of gummy bears in the US... they for a fair while caused massive toilet issues.... many on planes and places you need a toilet in a hurry, the eating of the gummy bears has caused huge problems

This link is one such story .... its quite long.... but well worth the read.... 

enjoy... very very very funny.... 

https://dearcustomerrelations.com/2020/07/gummy-bear-explosion/

 

[Smoggy]

9 hours ago, wendybr said:

 Oh...that's terrible! 

 

 

Hmmmmm, ok…how’s this one -

I am reliably informed that the Norwegian, Danish and Swedish Navies all put barcodes on the hulls of their vessels.

This is so that when they return to port they can Scandinavian….

Edited June 13, 2022 by Smoggy

[wendybr]

Better...not so predictable.

You're too young for dad jokes! 

[Kitto]

How does HarryPotter cut his sandwiches?

 

Diagonalley. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Kitto

[JackDoff]

Just got back from Homebush Aquatic Centre. A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool! I was so startled I almost fell in! 

[Smoggy]

 

Woah Black Betty ...

[Kitto]

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.

 

Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil.

[Midfielder]

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & ****s all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster ******* the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

[Kitto]

How do you wear a boat on your head?

 

Turn it upside down until it is capsized.

 

[Smoggy]

Frankie Boyle on ‘The Last Leg’ when asked about the race for new PM…

”It’s like tunnelling out of R Kelly’s house and finding yourself in Prince Andrews basement”…

[Zelinsky]

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on.

[Davo]

I got fired from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

[Kitto]

On 10/08/2022 at 1:03 PM, Davo said:

I got fired from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

 

I got fired from calendar publisher for taking a few days off.

[Smoggy]

I phoned a radio station today to enter a mystery prize competition.

The presenter answered and said “congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly to win our mystery grand star prize”.

“That’s fantastic” I called out in delight.

“Feeling confident?” the presenter asked “it’s a geography question”.

”Well, I’ve got a degree in geography from Oxford University” I proudly replied “ and I have taught geography to high school students for the last 20 years”.

”OK then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Sunderland game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?”…

“Preston”, I replied.

 

[marron]

On 11/08/2022 at 6:02 PM, Kitto said:

 

I got fired from calendar publisher for taking a few days off.

I got fired from the orange juice factory. Just couldn't make myself concentrate.

[Davo]

A foreign tourist arrived in America and was held at gunpoint.

The man said "give me all your money and I'll let you live".

The tourist replied "oh you must be what they refer to here as a doctor".

[Kitto]

21 hours ago, marron said:

I got fired from the orange juice factory. Just couldn't make myself concentrate.

 

I had to leave my job taking apart old shoes. It was sole destroying.

[marron]

My book-repairing job didn't work out - the contract was non-binding.

[Midfielder]

Mate of mine a manager at Subway is thinking of leaving...

When he goes, he is concerned how they will fill his role...

[Bones]

Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

[Smoggy]

I was thrown out of the staff room at my local Woolies yesterday.

They asked me what I was doing there. I told them I was on a break.

They said you don't work here. I said I'd just finished using the self service till, so I clearly do.

[Midfielder]

Not a joke but I was watching a youtube on the Darwin awards and while normally given to people who have died they extended this list to people who made themselves infertile so they could not bred...

AnyWho, this guy in the states when into a store to rob it at gun point... the owner panicked and in trying to hand over what the robber wanted he spilled a frying pan of hot fat on the robbers pants around his groin... the robber then went to move or whatever his pants from around his groin and accidently fired his gun shot off his willy.... 

[marron]

9 hours ago, Smoggy said:

I was thrown out of the staff room at my local Woolies yesterday.

They asked me what I was doing there. I told them I was on a break.

They said you don't work here. I said I'd just finished using the self service till, so I clearly do.

This is the joke thread Smoggy not the "what did you do yesterday" thread.

[Smoggy]

If you were 8 when Rock Lobster came out, you'll B52 now.

[Edinburgh]

33 minutes ago, Smoggy said:

If you were 8 when Rock Lobster came out, you'll B52 now.

So, are you working in Woollies seafood section now?

Or have I bombed out with my speculation? 

[Midfielder]

A couple met in a bar on a Friday night, they hit it off and went back to her apartment, after a hot and steamy night, the lady made the man a lovely breakfast.

After breakfast, the emotions got the better of them and they spent most of Saturday and Saturday night apart from meals. They were getting on very well.

Lying in bed on Sunday morning, they decided to go for coffee after another romp, the lady asks the man to pass her something from the top draw of her dresser… When the man opened the draw he saw a picture of another man, and asked is this a picture of your husband… she replied no…

No entirely certain, he said is this a picture of your boyfriend or a former boyfriend… she snuggled alongside him nibbled on his ear and said no silly… it’s a picture of me before the operation.

[Smoggy]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "Impossible. You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache"

[sonar]

Einstein was on a plane sitting next to an Indian. He turned to the Indian and said " it's a long flight so why don't we play a game to pass away the hours. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it you pay me $5, and if you ask me a question and I can't answer it I'll pay you $100 OK. ? " The Indians said sure you ask first.

'How far is it to Venus from earth ? " asked Einstein. The Indian thought about it then shook his head and handed over $5. The Indian asked Einstein " what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four.?" Einstein thought about it for a long time then conceded he didn't know then handed over $100. Einstein then said to the Indian "before I ask you the next question what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four.? The Indian looked at him and handed over $5.

Edited August 28, 2022 by sonar