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A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says "How did you do that?"

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help.

I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

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To the old guy on the mobility scooter who stole my camoflage jacket......you can hide but you can't run.

 

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A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the seat. 'Perfect timing,' the cabby said. 'You're just like Bill.'

'Who?' asked the man. 'Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,' the cabby said. 'Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time.'

'Nah,' the man said to the cabby. 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

'Not Bill,' said the cabby. 'He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.'

'Bill was really something, huh?'

'Oh, yeah,' continued the cabby. 'Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.'

'No wonder you remember him,' the man said. 'Well, I never actually met Bill,' said the cabby. 'Then how in the world do you know so much about him?'

 

'I married his widow,' replied the cabby.

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Bill breaks his arm and goes to the hospital for an x ray.

The bloke on his right says "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face! Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"

Quizzically, Bill turns to the woman on his left and she says "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"

Concerned, Bill asks a passing doctor, "Is this the psychiatric ward?"

The doctor replies, "No mate, this is the burns unit."

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double post

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Yeah yeah...we saw it before....but we dont get it!

 

Well.....I dont. :sorry2:

 

Ohhhh ....hang on! Should burns have a capital...ie Robert Burns??

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11 hours ago, wendybr said:

Yeah yeah...we saw it before....but we dont get it!

 

Well.....I dont. :sorry2:

 

Ohhhh ....hang on! Should burns have a capital...ie Robert Burns??

Och, aye!

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Belongs here more than the music thread

 

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On 15/01/2020 at 2:19 PM, Edinburgh said:

A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says "How did you do that?"

Couple of Scottish jokes , Hope no offence.

" Jock wins 10 million in Lotto. Wife says , but Jock what do we do about the begging letters.

Jock replies , keep sending them ! "

 

A guy walks into his Scottish neighbours house where he is peeling the wallpaper off the wall.

He asks him are you renovating ? 

The reply is no I'm moving.

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25 minutes ago, Kitto said:

I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel. 

On the theme of the sea....................the worlds unluckiest sailor !

A sailor was shipwrecked and for thirty days survived  living on remains of a life boat by catching flying fish and drinking rain water.

One day barely alive , to his great joy an ocean liner spotted him and started to haul him up.

On the way up he glanced at the name of the ocean liner.

" TITANIC"

 

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What’s brown and hides in the attic?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The diarrhea of Anne Frank

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7 hours ago, JackDoff said:

What’s brown and hides in the attic?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The diarrhea of Anne Frank

-_-

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An late 30's Westie from out Emu Plans way is finding it hard to get local employment.

He sees and ad for a farm hand but its out past Orange and to far for a daily commute. 

Needing work he takes the job as it includes meals and accommodation.

Each weekend he would return home.

On this particular day he was pulled over late one Friday afternoon on his way home.

The Westie thinks I will explain to the policeman its a straight road no other cars etc.

The policeman was having none of the Westie excuses and started writing a ticket.

When writing the ticket flies kept circling around the policeman head and he was waving them away. 

The Westie said are those circle flies annoying you.

The policeman said so they called circle flies are they.

Yes said the Westie I an a labour on a farm and the circle around the rear end of a horse.

The policeman kept writing and then stopped and said are you calling me a horse's arse.

No no no said the Westie I have far to much respect for the law to do that was simply explaining why they are called circle flies.

With that the policeman finishes writing the ticket and hands it to the Westie.

When the Westie gets the ticket he says ... BUT it hard to fool them flies. 

Edited by Midfielder

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This morning I woke up to a tap on the door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

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i know we have at least one teacher on here so a couple of teacher / student jokes.

During a history lesson the teacher asks a non- attentive / unruly student

'' I want you to tell me who signed the Magna Carta " 

Unruly student replies 

" Gee Miss is wasn't me I get the blame for everything"

During a geography lesson on Israel teacher asks 

" What is a Hebrew "

Student replies 

" Not sure Miss , but is it a male teabag "

 

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A priest , a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar ....the rabbit says,  “ I think I might be a typo”

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On 01/02/2020 at 8:45 AM, theseeker said:

i know we have at least one teacher on here so a couple of teacher / student jokes.

During a history lesson the teacher asks a non- attentive / unruly student

'' I want you to tell me who signed the Magna Carta " 

Unruly student replies 

" Gee Miss is wasn't me I get the blame for everything"

During a geography lesson on Israel teacher asks 

" What is a Hebrew "

Student replies 

" Not sure Miss , but is it a male teabag "

 

:good: You've been quiet lately??

2 hours ago, JackDoff said:

A priest , a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar ....the rabbit says,  “ I think I might be a typo”

:lol: Where do you source your jokes Jack?

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12 hours ago, wendybr said:

:good: You've been quiet lately??

:lol: Where do you source your jokes Jack?

Teach , if I tell you, I’ll have to....

 

:P

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43 minutes ago, JackDoff said:

Teach , if I tell you, I’ll have to....

 

:P

Pray? Type it? Walk into a bar? Have a beer?

I was joking with the last one. You'd do that anyway.

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My wife and I went out for dinner with friends.

I took a wrong turn on the way and we arrived late.

So then the wife starts complaining about my lack of direction.

I got annoyed, stood up and right.

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At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

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My wife's response to the 'toilet paper crisis', posted the following on her facebook:

I have toilet paper. I'll give you some, unless I don't like you, then it's $100 a sheet and you can kiss my arse. It will be well wiped. 

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I was in the bank this morning when 2 men wearing masks walked in! There was instant panic! Then they said they were here to rob the place and everyone calmed down.

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Posted (edited)

Mrs Harper sued a hospital, saying that after her hubby had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesperson replied, “Mr Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

Edited by sonar

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More jokes...:clapping:

I need more jokes! 

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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you". 

He looked around and saw nothing.

He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes."

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence."

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot.

What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

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